Review – A Faint Cold Fear by Karin Slaughter

A Faint Cold Fear

Karin Slaughter

Rating: 5 stars

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I had a thought  I would read Karin Slaughter books like they are going out of style. But then I had to recant my thought. Karin Slaughter’s books will NEVER go out of style. A new generation like myself will pick them up either devouring them like myself, or they will dislike them. 

Karin Slaughter writes without permission. Her thoughts are dark, twisted, and shocking as all get out. That is definitely one thing that makes her a great writer. Makes her stories so intriguing. 

My five star rating isn’t for plot development. The queen of shock and surprise didn’t deliver with this one. I got to the end, and literally said, “meh” But she did deliver more character development this time around, which I loved. 

Lena Adams took over this book,  her character became the mystery. Even Sara Linton and Jeffery Tolliver, were backround noise to Lena.

Lena, moody met with an equal darkness brought her character into a 180 degree turn. Her struggles, her thoughts, her words, her meeting Ethan took over the plot demanding attention. My attention was fully given. 

As an avid romance reader, I was all for Ethan. His and Lena’s relationship was sick and twisted, but I understood this newfound relationship, no matter the complications. Boy, it was fucking complicated. Raw and emotional. Wrong and right for her character. Ethan, her match made me eager for the switch to Lena’s POV. 

*Sigh* I will have to keep reading to see what happens between Lena and Ethan. Read what happens between Sara and Jeffery. Most importantly, to gain my shock value back, one that Karin has always given me when reading her books. 

 

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*Weekly Read*

CURRENT READ

Title: The Optimist Guide to Letting Go

Author: Amy E. Reichert

Release Date: May 15th 2018

AR

Anyone who has read anything by Amy E. Reichert knows she is a great foodie writer. Totally up my alley. Already one chapter in and I am book hooked. You know the books that hook you sinking you into the plot until you reach the end and say, damn I was BOOK HOOKED! I love those kinds of books.

Description: 

1. Get through to your daughter. 2. Buy more cheese. 3. Don’t forget to call your mother.

Grilled G’s Gourmet Food Truck is where chef, owner, obsessive list-maker, and recent widow Gina Zoberski finds the order and comfort she needs to struggle through each day, especially when confronted with her critical mother Lorraine and sullen daughter May.

Image-conscious Lorraine always knows best and expects her family to live up to her high expectations, no matter what. May just wants to be left alone to mourn her father in her own way. Gina always aims to please, but finds that her relentlessly sunny disposition annoys both her mother and her daughter, no matter how hard she tries.

But when Lorraine suffers a sudden stroke, Gina stumbles upon a family secret Lorraine’s kept hidden for forty years. In the face of her mother’s failing health and her daughter’s rebellion, this optimist might find that piecing together the truth is the push she needs to let go…

Thank you #netgalley for providing me an ARC The Optimist Guide to Letting Go.

 

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*COVER REVEAL* Pieces of Her – Karin Slaughter

Pieces of Her

Karin Slaughter 

Release date: August 21st, 2018 

It’s finally here, the cover reveal for Pieces of Her, another mystery/thriller by  Karin Slaughter. #QueenSlaughter

The cover is a little more gritty than Karin’s others, drawing me in with intrigue and that frightened bright green eye! Questioning the title, like most of Karin’s books, what are the pieces of her? You’ll have to wait and find out in August… Damn that’s so far away! Until then, I will be going through Karin’s backlog for her Grant County series counting down the days until this book hits my kindle.

 

Description: (Note: all descriptions will be posted with my eyes closed. I don’t like reading synopsis’)

What if the person you thought you knew best turns out to be someone you never knew at all . . . ?

Andrea Cooper knows everything about her mother Laura. She’s knows she’s spent her whole life in the small beachside town of Gullaway Island; she knows she’s never wanted anything more than to live a quiet life as a pillar of the community; she knows she’s never kept a secret in her life. Because we all know our mothers, don’t we?

But all that changes when a Saturday afternoon trip to the mall explodes into violence and Andrea suddenly sees a completely different side to Laura. Because it turns out that before Laura was Laura, she was someone completely different. For nearly thirty years she’s been hiding from her previous identity, lying low in the hope that no one will ever find her. But now she’s been exposed, and nothing will ever be the same again.

Twenty-four hours later Laura is in the hospital, shot by an intruder who’s spent thirty years trying to track her down and discover what she knows. Andrea is on a desperate journey following the breadcrumbs of her mother’s past. And if she can’t uncover the secrets hidden there, there may be no future for either one of them. . . .

Add this book to your TBR pile and mark your calendar because there are 136 days until Pieces of Her releases.

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Review – Quietly Making Noise by Yessi Smith

Quietly Making Noise

Yessi Smith

Rating:

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Damn, HOOKED ALERT!!

Elio and Vianella. Vianella and Elio. *sigh* this book was so darn beautiful. Poetic and light hearted. Funny and serious. Basically everything a wonderful book should be.

Even the lightest of romance novels have the heaviest parts. Parts so heavy, Yessi engages you in this story of passion and heartbreak. She pulls you in reminding you  eventually running towards your dreams sucks you back into the thing you ran away from in the first place.

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It wasn’t until the third chapter I fell in love with Elio. The passion of his art and how he wander-lusted after his dreams. A running busker looking for his slice of life in what made him happy.

Busking, something I knew nothing about has made me completely fascinated with it. In the beginning of the book, Yessi explains how she came up with the story line. After reading about it, Jean the real life inspiration for her story became Elio. His face, body and talent. Again, HOOKED!  So, hooked I internet stalked Jean’s page just to see him busking.

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Vianella, a unique name which I absolutely adored wasn’t just Elio’s match. She was his savior, a sweet reminder of what home is. Where his lost heart lied fluently captured by her violet eyes, bringing him back to those who miss him most.

I highly recommend you read Yessi’s poetic words. I also highly recommend you read them in a cozy spot with enough reading ambiance to set the mood for certain scenes.

 

much love

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Food vs. Men – Chapter 6

You

food vs. men

June 4th 2016 (cont.)

A barricade of people already surrounded Landen and Mark by the time I make it outside. I can hear low murmurs from the crowd as I aggressively push people apart. Running through the bar like a wild woman, I yelled for Dirk’s help, only I was too late. The fight had already begun. Not knowing who threw the first punch, two testosterone induced men were battling it out in front of Lit.  

Letting out a large breath, Mark had Landen in a headlock, his muscles flexing beneath his grip, leveraging his other arm back for a low blow to the jaw.

The only thing I could do was scream, “Mark, let him go!” Second glancing, double blinking did Landen smirk? 

Glancing over at me, I stand there accessing the crowd behind them as Dirk emerges closer biding  time. Lifting my hand to my mouth, I carefully swipe my finger across my lower lip in a back and forth motion. Mark watches angered heat in his eyes vanishes with a wild desire I was leveraging for.

A nasty cut below Mark’s right eye meant Landen got in a hit and his bottom lip busted out the center barely bleeding, counting two. By the time Dirk enters the center, Mark is so discombobulated by my lips, Dirk’s hand pinches his ear like a child yanking him backward. His arm unwraps from around Landen’s neck, limply he falls to the floor.

“You need to calm down kid,” Dirk instructs Mark, “The cops have arrived.”

Mark slumps back against Dirk’s side using him as support. Two cop sirens echo in the background as I rush to Landen inspecting him. His right eye is swollen shut and blood drips from his mouth while he lays limp on the floor.

“Landen.” I sit down on the ground lifting his head onto my leg, “Are you alright?”

He lets out a throaty groan, but his lips part into an uneven smile.

Two officers, one short and the other one even shorter than his partner shove their way through the crowd of onlookers. Accessing the scene, their eyes scan Landen on the floor before stopping dead on Mark.

“Officer Summers,” The shortest one addresses Mark first, his arm reaching out to to shake his hand. “Can you tell me what happened here?”

Of course there is cop on cop comrade. Taking the officers hand, Mark’s hand shakes the officers.

I whisper, “Landen, you can get up now.”

His lips lift into a crooked smile, “How did you know?” He whispers spitting blood onto the concrete.

”You did smirk!.” I was so worried about him, Landen already had a plan in place. A set up.

“You saved me.” He coos.

Watching him get beat up by someone with an agenda didn’t sit well on my conscious. Mark was my fault. Their altercation, me coming here all my fault.

“I helped you. Dirk saved you.”

“No way, Dirk didn’t do that sexy lip rub thing. If he did, I would probably be worse off than I already am.”

I chortle imagining Dirk doing what I did.

“Can I stay like this for a little longer? Your legs feel nice beneath me.” My hearted flopped against my breast bone skipping three beats.

“If it makes you feel better.” I smooth my hand over his long hair. He kept letting it grow, only trimming it to make it look neat.

“Now that you mention it-” He starts when the other officer bends down.

“Sir, can you stand up?” The officer motions with his stubby hand and small eyes indicating directions to Landen.

“Yeah.” Landen says starting to twist himself up. Turning back to me he whispers, “Officer Buzzkill over here.”

Chuckling, I stand him extending my arm for support. Lacing his fingers through mine, I help him off the ground though he bears most of his weight. Locking my hand in his, the officer rattles off questions.

What happened? The ambulance is on its way, do you think you need to go to the hospital? The list of questions seemed endless, but Landen handled them with ease.

Attentively listening to Landen’s side of the story, I found out Mark was the one who threw the first two punches. Landen stood there like a fool taking two for me. Lightly squeezing my hand, another lopsided grin submerged on his face. Explaining to the officers what happened inside, Dirk escorted them into the bar as two more cop cars and an ambulance arrived.

He finally let go of my hand by the time the paramedic escorted him to the ambulance as I gave my statement to a woman cop who looked like she bit into a very sour apple. Almost all of the crowd dispersed by the time Mark was arrested. His head sunk down in the back of the cop car as I watched it roll on down the street.

“I’m closing the bar early.” Dirk stands next to me and Alyssa stands next to him.

I finally look at Alyssa. The displacing features on her face were hard and unpleasant to look at.

“We need to talk.” There is a hard tone in her voice.

Following her inside the empty bar, employees busied around clearing the tables. A few looked at the both of us, but the rest kept their heads down.

Continuing the follow her through the kitchen doors, the faintly whoosh lowly echoed inside the kitchen.

“What the fuck were you thinking bringing this drama into Dirk’s bar?”

“Excuse me?” I thought I didn’t hear her correctly.

“Cassie, don’t play dumb. Look around the kitchen!” Her arms flailing at mugs broken on the black tile. “It’s a mess. A brand new mess. This wouldn’t have happened if you’d just date Landen already!” She shouts at me.

“Oh, so now you’re all for Landen? Because after you found out about me and Mark you were all for him. You can’t pick sides when you want to and you don’t get to dictate who I date.”

“Oh, that list is getting pretty long.”

I gasp sucking in a large breath. Hurt was an understatement right now.

Alyssa and I met five months into freshman year of college. She lived across the hall from me and I found her loud and rather annoying. One night, my keycard stopped working to my room. Our RA, Tom was nowhere to be found, and I waited for him to return, only to end up passing out in front of my door. Alyssa found me at one in the morning slumped over in an uncomfortable position. Inviting me in, she admires she didn’t really like me because I was a quiet snob. I didn’t talk to anyone, not in my formative years and not then.

Countering her statement, I told her I wasn’t fond of her loud mouth and we laughed about how we both didn’t like each other. Long story short, we ended up becoming best friends. She was my first best friend. Growing up, I was never really good at making friends, it got so bad my mom would have to ask people if I could attend birthday parties or sleepovers.

Sleepovers were the best, I would make it all the way until bedtime and say, “I want to go home now.” My mom would pick me up and tell me the same thing, “At least you tried.” I kind of felt bad for my mom. The effort she put into me making friends, reading books about why I didn’t want to play with other kids, and not to forget the numerous tests I had to go through with psychologists and doctors only not getting answers. She never listened when I told her I wasn’t interested in being friends with the girls my age. She finally gave up in middle school.

Now, my only best friend is letting go of all the backlash that has been pent up for years. Which was causing me to backlash. 

“The list of you giving guys blow jobs in the back of offices is getting long too.” I spit back on anger and resentment.

“Dirk is my fiancé and in case you haven’t noticed this is our future. Our livelihood.”

“This is my livelihood too, in case you forgot.” I say starting to pick up the larger pieces of broken mugs tossing them forcefully into the large trash can near the steel table.

Alyssa begins to help me. She wanted a fight. A way to blow off steam and anger, I wasn’t going to give it to her.

Piece by piece, tandem work together not saying a word. Grabbing a kitchen broom, Alyssa grabs the dustpan.

“Cassie, I’m sorry.” Alyssa places the dust pan on the floor.

“I am not ready to say sorry. Tonight has been so fucked up, I don’t even know what to say.” All I could think about was the beginning, middle, and end of tonight. All the words spoken to get there and all the words said in the last fifteen minutes. Words spoken on anger are the words that hurt the most. They leave residual backlash like cuts on a skin, except they wound the heart. Actions slash the soul, piece by piece taking chunks of a person causing them to rethink who they are or the situation. Alyssa and I spoke angered words. I didn’t think we could come back to the friendship unless I tried.

Sniffled sobs spill from Alyssa’s mouth. I did the only thing I could think of, “Remember the time Zeke told you he owned his house. You went over there only to be caught by his grandmother in your bra after a heavy makeout session.”

Hiccuping a sob, she faintly laughs wiping her eyes as she stands, “I was so embarrassed, I can still remember her beady eyes glaring at my chest and back up to my face. I thought she was having a heart attack the way she placed her hand on her chest, mouth open, shocked as all get out.”

“And you ran out the door without your shirt and waited for me in someone’s bushes until I came and got you.”

“The only time I felt like a true feminist is when I burned that bra. Damn, it was my favorite.” The light in her eyes returns much like the memory I brought up.

Knowing I couldn’t change what had been said between us, I knew I could tell her something about our history together.

No matter the guy in the situation or the situation itself, we are friends. There for each other through the good and bad times.

“I didn’t mean to ruin the kitchen.” I falter on my own sob. “And I am sorry I brought my mess into the bar.”

“It’s not your fault. I am-“ She pauses for a few seconds, the words failing her, “I am sorry for snapping. Henry at work is riding my ass about that stupid house on Aaron Ave and the wedding is a week away. I am-“ Before she could finish Dirk and Landen wander into the kitchen caring bins filled with glasses “Sorry. So sorry.” Her wobbly undertone doesn’t go unnoticed.

Wrapping our arms around each other, we hug not caring about the presence of two men. 

“I sent the other bartenders home.” Dirk sets down a bin on the steel table, his long bony fingers rest on top watching us break free from each other.

Everything about Dirk was long. His legs, arms, and torso, but he wasn’t lanky. Muscular and fit to be exact. Before opening Lit, he used to be a bouncer at a strip club in a seedy part of town. He once told me he lived to work out six hours a day,  that was the only way he wouldn’t dive into the world of drugs. If he stayed fit he would have something to look forward to the next day. His body carried a hard edginess that commanded attention and his deep brown chocolate eyes always looked narrowed as if he was harshly studying you.

The first time we met, I almost peed myself from being so intimidated by him, only to find out he was a big softy.

“I am going to finish cleaning the other kitchen and head home.” All the adrenaline and arguments from the nights events finally caught with up me. The only place I wanted to be now was home.

“I will help you.” Landen steps closer to the other kitchen.

“You will not. You should be relaxing.”

“Take one for the team and she becomes bossy.” Landen chuckles, wincing as the muscles in his face lift high.

Waving him off, “I only become bossy when you don’t listen.”

Loudly, he playfully growls as I set into the other kitchen.

An exertion of dread commands my mind. Standing in the kitchen, more damages was done to the letters than the tables. Working around the letters, I couldn’t bring myself to pick them up. Sliding the tables back into place, I track Landen with my eyes holding a ream of tape in his hands.

“We are going to tape these.” Arching forward, he picks up the letters at his feet.

Not saying anything, I tried to not ogle his face. The nasty swelling around his eye already turning a dark purple, his fingers had scrapes from the concrete outside of the bar or hitting Mark, and his lip equally as swollen as his eye had a large cut on his Cupid’s bow.

“Landen.”

“Yeah, Cas.” Stopping what he is doing, he peers at me giving me his full attention.

“I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry I played our song as a stupid way to get back at you. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” I could give all these apologizes, but somehow they felt hallow even though I truly meant them. Saying I’m sorry isn’t supposed to be handed out like candy, and it also couldn’t reduce the consequences of events that happened.

“Nothing happened to me that I didn’t want to happen. I went out there and you told me not to. The way I look at it is, you gave me a really good fucking hug and I got to lay my head on your leg.”

“Don’t do that.” Sniffling attempting to hold back my emotions lodges in my throat.

“Do what?”

“Be so chill about tonight.”

“I am allowed to be chill. I am not the one in the back of a cop car. Instead, I am here with you.” He nudges me when my eyes catch the scar on his arm. The same scar I saw a couple of years ago. The same scar I have scene for the last two months. Elevated and a very pale pink, the scar deepened at the crevasse of his elbow. Not wanting to examine it or make him uncomfortable, I turn away, my curiosity growing to know the story behind the raised edges tattooing his skin.

“I guess you’re lucky then.” Standing, one more time tonight, I give him my hand to help him up.

“Very lucky.” He whispers once he stands. “Let’s go tape some fucking letters.”

“Maybe I am the lucky one.” I say flicking off the light to the mini kitchen, he wraps his arm around my shoulder escorting me to the bar.

 

“You’re not blogging anymore.” Landen dips his french fry into the ketchup on the corner of the paper tray.

The paramedic advised Landen not to drive with his swollen eye and I didn’t have Bessie, so he asked me to drive him home. We made it down seventh street in downtown before he asked me to stop at Joe’s Midnight Run. Well, his exact words were “Feed me chauffeur.”

Opting to take the food to go, we ordered fries and milkshakes. I drove in the direction of our parents houses when he told me he didn’t live with them anymore.

His small one story house sat on an acre of land. The front had a small brick wall around the edge of the property with a foot of rot iron fencing adding accent to the boring brick. Two large vertical steps faced the street and two smaller ones faced the driveway. The outside was quaint and cozy. Opting not to go inside to wake up Zeke, we sat on the steps looking out onto the street.

“How did you know I was blogging?” I remembered telling him I wrote recipes, not that I blogged. Cool as a cucumber knowing Landen had probably read my first blog post, the one about him hit my nerves freeze inside me.

“Your mom tells everyone, which means my mom. My mom is the biggest gossip next to your mom and well, I know. Writing recipes my ass.”

Chucking a french fry at him, he catches it taking a small bite. Mostly sticking to liquids, I’ve eaten more fries than him.

Fries are good for the thighs…

“I do write recipes. I also talk about my dates.”

“The only dates you should be posting about is the ten crowdfunding letters. The day you opened them and the day you start cooking at Lit.”

A shy smile spreads across my face. Surreal is the only way to describe the experience of opening the letters. Luckily, Mark tore the ones declining to donate. A few gave check donations and others set me up with a representative to call for donated items for the silent auction.

“I can write about those too.”

“Maybe you can write about how you saved me, Cas.” He jokes, my nickname rolls off his tongue, friendly and admiring.

“I could, but why tell the world about my superhero cape.”

“Your sexy superhero cape.” Shamelessly, he winks.

Bringing a scoop of milkshake to my mouth, the cool mint chip ice cream tastes heavenly. “How far back in my blog have you read?” The question sat on the forefront of my mind.

Wiping the salt off his fingers in a dusty motion, he lifts his eyes to mine. Sultry and magnetic they held me captive like a prisoner waiting for release.

“To the very first post.” A heated blush creeps to my cheeks, he continues, “I probably read it a million times, and the second and so on. I learned who my competition was. Who you are now. What you want out of life. Anything you haven’t told me can be read within those posts.”

Gulping down residual ice cream, thickness in my throat grew spreading and suffocating my every breath. “You always have impeccable timing, so why tell me this now?”

“Because you’re free, Cas. Your list isn’t long.” He brings back me telling him about my argument with Alyssa on the way here. What I didn’t tell him was she said about him. “It’s boring. I’m right here. Waiting. So write those posts and I will keep reading them until one day the name in them is mine.”

“Landen-“ Not talking, I went with the moment. Scooting over, my lips met his cheek knowing his mouth still injured probably couldn’t take my hungry lips. With force, Landen yanks me on his lap. Jumping back, I didn’t know what I was doing. Earlier I was on top of Mark and now I am on top of Landen.

Lost. Confused. I wasn’t a whore. A man jumper. Plummeting into a lost abyss my heart knocks against my chest. Dating a lot was one thing, but this situation took everything to another level.

“I should go.” Straightening myself up, I dust myself off walking backwards towards the path.

“Cas, you’ll need the keys to my Jeep to get home.” He comes in my direction.

Crap! Which means I have to see him tomorrow to return it.

Stopping so close to me, I can feel his breath on my forehead, “Keep it, I will catch a ride with Zeke tomorrow and you can return it on Saturday for the BBQ.”

Double crap.

My parents annual June BBQ. The kick off to pre-summer fun and more BBQ’s to come. More summer days to see Landen.

His lips touch my forehead, leaving their mark. His friendly and gentle lips settle in nicely. Closing my eyes, my frantic thoughts soothe as if his lips are a pacifier.

Running my hands along his arms, nails digging deep enough to leave a mark, I don’t want him to pull away. The second he pulls away, the gentleness of his lips will leave my mind in utter chaos. Instead, I wait for him to make the first move. The first sign of closure.

“See you Saturday, Cas.” He murmurs closing off the kiss with a future greeting.

Dropping my hands, it’s better this way. One small kiss left more for interpretation than I wanted to. Landen clutched the keys in my hand wrapping my fingers tightly around them.

Fighting the urge to walk away, I untether myself from his presence hurrying to his 90’s Jeep Wrangler in the driveway.

I loved his car. Not as much as I loved Bessie, but I did love it. The top was off and the large roll bar across the center made me want to spin around and around until I was dizzy and my thoughts could line straight.

Slamming the Jeep into reverse, I drive away without looking back. Emotional nausea lodged itself in my chest. Holding it back, not wanting to give my emotions a chance me come forth, I drive the twenty minutes to my apartment.

 

Barely getting enough sleep Friday, I spent all of Friday night and most of Saturday catching up on it. Figuring I needed to be well rested for my parents BBQ, sleep was easy, getting ready was the hard part. Trying on and tossing off so many outfits, I was late leaving my apartment.

More times than not I ran away from Landen. On purpose of course. Not wanting to give into his dreamy chocolate eyes or sinfully wicked smile, I knew I would cave eventually. His persistence was evident, my determination to run was equally evident.

Turning the Jeep into the Davies driveway, I placed the car into park. The whole blocked was crowded as all get out. Over the years, my parents backyard BBQ grew to the size of a family reunion.

Crossing over from the Davies to my parents, not much had changed in the last few years to their frontyard. The front still had the same rose bushes lining the front of the house. Gardening was something my mom took pride in every Spring and loved pruning her roses every Winter.

A few spots of grass were dead from the lack of water conservation my mom was making my dad take part in. He wouldn’t let go of his grass, even though she tried to convince him drought tolerant front yards were a new thing. Slipping through the back gate into the backyard, most of the people I didn’t recognize. Hardly coming back home for these BBQ’s my mom did a darn good job laying on the guilt nice and thick this year.

“Cassie!” Ronnie Landen’s mom saunters off the patio dance floor in my direction.

My parents started a dance floor a couple of Summers ago after extending it three feet into the grass. A beige awning covered the patio and at night small lights hung for ambiance. Each year they would alternate music because they could never agree on the same type. Unfortunately, this year is Disco and ABBA played loudly in the background.

If my ears weren’t bleeding, they should have been.

“Hi, Mrs. Davies.”

“Please call me Veronica or Ronnie.” Her kind smile matched her kind eyes.

Landen told me she loved being called Ronnie, since her favorite group was Ronnie and the Ronettes. By the time he was two, he knew most of the words to Be my Baby” as she played it everyday dancing with him around their living room.

After all these years, how familiar and unfamiliar I was with her, I couldn’t call her anything but Mrs. Davies.

“Okay, Ronnie.” I say uncomfortable as it rolls off my tongue. “How are you doing?”

Lightly she chuckles placing her arm on my shoulder. Ronnie had the body of a supermodel. Tall and slender. Chocolate eyes matching Landen’s and rich natural chestnut hair. Mostly wearing dresses above her knees, I was taken back she was in a pair of Capri jeans and a light creamy v-neck. Foregoing her usual heels, she was wearing a pair of white strappy sandals.

“I am good, other than seeing Landen’s face.” She frowns. “He told me everything, I am so glad he was there to stand up to that ex boyfriend of yours.”

A jagged slanted smile emerges off my lips, “Yes, me too.” I say wishing I sounded convincing having no idea what Landen told her. “The situation was intense.” Jamming my hands into the pockets of my Capri overalls glad to have worn pants. Especially pants with pockets.

A nervous sweat formed under my light pink t-shirt from being under Ronnie’s microscope.

“I can tell by the way his face looks.” Her lips narrow further down than the first time.

Like myself, Landen was an only child. Parents of only children oftentimes have a fierce and protective connection with their child. I knew about that all too well.

“Enough about that. How have you been? The kitchen looks beautiful are you ready to start cooking?”

Breathing steadily from the subject change, I answer her honestly, “The kitchen is phenomenal. Landen did a wonderful job and yes, I am very happy to start a new adventure.”

“I bet. Your mom is ecstatic to come to the new grand opening. She has us all saving the new grand opening date.”

“Sounds exactly like her. If she could, she would use my picture on a billboard so the whole City would come.”

Nodding her head, she chuckles agreeing.

“Mom, are you harassing Cassie?” Landen steps in line next to his mother like a ninja coming out of nowhere.

“I would never harass her, I believe you do enough of that.”

His eye smile along with his lips as he searches my facial expression. Darting my eyes away, I rock back and forth on my heels.

“He doesn’t harass me. I harass him.” I quip knowing Ronnie wouldn’t believe me.

“I don’t believe that for a second! Landen used to lay under my vanity when I got ready for work. He would run this hand along my calf asking me if he could have a pair of stockings, so I know all about his harassing. Or the time he used to follow oh gosh what was her name Landen? The girl with the cute pigtails always in a dress.”

“Presley.” He groaned again still playing into his mother’s story.

“That’s right. You followed her around not saying a word for weeks. Finally Presley’s mom came over and explained how my son wouldn’t leave his daughter alone. I had to explain to her mother it was his weird way of showing affection.” She laughed squeezing his shoulder.

Choking on a laugh, now it’s his turn to look away, a faint blush creeping to his cheeks, “Mom.” He groans embarrassed.

“Alright, enough embarrassing you in front of Cassie. It was really good to see you, dear.” Leaning down, she warmly hugs me.

“You too.” Embracing her back, I held on a little longer than I should have counting ten more seconds before deciding to let go. 

“Oh, and I made three chocolate cakes, they are your favorite if I remembered correctly. Eat some before everyone else does.” 

Thickly swallowing, I could only nod watching her depart.

The years of being without chocolate cake and hearing the mention of it made my mouth water.

“Don’t worry, I ate it all.” He tries his signature wink only failing because of his swollen eye.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” I nudge him gently in the ribs.

“Come on, I have a surprise.”

“If it involves my calves I am out.” I joke refraining a laugh.

“I’m saving that for later. Trust me you’ll be begging for me to rub your calves when we’re done.”

Normally, I wouldn’t leave the party without saying hello to my parents. The amount of people here was like a large fog surrounding a shoreline and it would take me awhile to find them.

Leading the way, I follow Landen back over to his parents watching him inspect his Jeep bumper to bumper.

“I took care of her.”

“Her? No, that there is a man.” He states proudly.

“Sorry man,” I nudge her with my elbow on the side panel, which earns me a seriously look.

Playfully rolling my eyes, we walk to the side garage of his parents house. Next to the door are two bikes.

“How did you take my bike from my parents garage?”

“Easy…” He pauses making me think he stole it, “I asked your dad for it. I told him you begged me to go bike riding with you today.”

“You did not.” I tuck my head down laughing, thick chunks of hair falling into my face.

“I did. He thought it was an awesome idea. If your dad thinks it is, then it must be.” His fingers brush my hair back behind my shoulders. A trail of goosebumps infiltrate along my neck and arms.

Glancing between him and the bike, it looked smaller than I remembered. Or maybe it was being older.

My parents didn’t like spending a lot of money on new things, since they grew up in an era of waste not want not. One Saturday while at the flea market, my dad found a 1981 Schwinn Stingray. He said it was the end of an era for that type of bike with the large width handlebars and banana seat.

In mint condition, he bought it for fifty dollars. A steal, he shouted loading it into the car.

The white once white hand grips were now a pale yellow and the cardinal red and sky blue were barely faded from being in the garage.

“I put in new tubes, but the tires are still in good condition.” Landen says steering my gaze to him away from the bike.

“Are you ready to ride?”

“Sure.” The thrill to get back on my bike buzzed within my body.

I rode my bike from middle school all the way until I graduated high school. When my peers wanted cars, I got new tires on my bike. A new chain and cranks as additional upgrades.

Bessie was my bike’s side kick. If I didn’t have to go long distances, I used my bike.

Settling on his BMX bike, a red, black and white cruiser of some sort, Landen clears his throat as an indication for me to follow suit.

Straddling the top tube, my legs still touching the ground, a beaming grin on my face. Lowering myself on the banana seat, nostalgia drummed recollecting how freeing a bike ride could be.

Landen kicked off the ground first pedaling down the driveway. Not stopping to see if I am following, I watch him casually change lanes from the sidewalk to the street by jumping off the curb in between two cars. Kicking off, I race to catch up to him. His legs pedal rapidly until he coasts standing in the air. Admiring his form, legs in black cargo shorts, his t-shirt slightly flapping in the makeshift breeze, I pedal faster to catch up.

Weaving in and out of cudasacks and neighborhoods far beyond our parents house, Landen kept going.

Tightly wound together, my knees ached and my calves burned trying to keep up. Much like Ronnie Landen was a runner. In shape. My only shape was knowing the size of a cake pan or lifting a fork to try food.

Tired, I lulled to a stop resting my feet on the sturdy asphalt beneath me. Sweat ran down my back coating my pale pink undershirt and underneath my hair. Inside one of my pockets was a hair tie, but all my energy went into keeping myself upright.

Craning his head around to see the distance between us, swiftly he speed pedals back to me. The closer he came, I scanned his body for hints of tiredness and perspiration. Only small beads of sweat dripped down the sides of his forehead.

“Tired already?”

“Yes!” I pant amidst the fire burning in my legs. Once the pain stopped, they would be gelantonis apendenages causing me to fall to the floor.

Using the banana seat, my legs straighten to the front tire knowing I would be sore tomorrow if I didn’t stretch.

“Didn’t I tell you I would rub your calves or what?”

“You have a fetish with calves.”

“For a shorty, you have sexy calves.” He admits honestly zeroing his eyes on calves waiting for a response. His other eye, bruised slightly opened made his gaze look more narrow.

“You have sexy arms.” I fumble the sentence nervously wanting to face plant into the handlebars.

Falling deeper into the lightweight seat, extending his arms into the air, his taint muscles help tease my gaze.

Forget my legs, my whole body is ready to liquefy on the ground. The June heat is more than enough to evaporate me into a sticky puddle on the asphalt. A blush perches high on my cheeks brightly tinting the already crimson flush further on a color wheel.

“Cas-“

“Hmm.” I manage in a throaty voice watching his arms lower.

“I asked you to ride with me for a reason.”

“You did?”

“I thought about our conversation on Thursday. How you’re list is boring. And the conversation at Augmented about how I would wait for you.”

“Okay.” Confusion centers in my voice wondering where he is going with this.

“One . In two years time or ten dates, I want my chance.”

“I don’t understand. You tell me you’re going to wait for me and now you’re giving me a time limit?”

“I am suggesting it knowing it would kill me to wait for you. I am willing to do it because you’re going to continue being stubborn, so the only logical thing I can do is give you a time limit.”

“A time limit.”

“A time limit.” He mimics.

The words settle in my brain.

“Ten dates or two years.”

“And we hang out. Get to know each other. But you have to keep writing. Keep posting recipes, dates, everything.”

“Why?”

“You once said it was what you’re good at, why stop now?”

“Maybe, I’m not good at it. Maybe, I was crazy to think recipes and men go together.”

“You’re not crazy. You’re you. And you’re good at cooking.”

“But not with men?” I counter smirking.

“You know when you create the perfect recipe, and you keep making it and each time it comes out differently, but your heart wants that first one?”

“Yeah.”

He continues, “It knows the smell, taste, and ingredients? Think of me as your first recipe. You keep trying and maybe just maybe you might find one like me. Or maybe that perfect recipe is already in here,” He points to his heart. “It’s been there all along. I’m your perfect recipe.”

“I’m supposed to shelve you in my recipe box for ten dates or two years?”

“Kind of. You have to take me out once and awhile to look me over. Remember what you’re missing.

Remember how I taste. Remember the ingredients that make me perfect.”

I don’t know if it was him or the recipe talk swirling my mind as if it were chocolate and vanilla frozen yogurt. Lowering himself to my level, but not playing me as dumb, he had me interested. So interested, I wanted his ingredients. To remember us together and to feel the way I used to feel about him only better than I recalled.

But I was intrigued to see if I could date other men finding someone who wasn’t like our recipe. Someone who would change my mind on him. The only way to do that was to hold out hope and keep seeing other men.

“Okay, I except this recipe plan on one condition. You have to date too.”

Saying it left a bitter after taste in my mouth. I wondered if it would for him too, or if he already had it from giving me ten dates.

“Deal.” He says using his legs to maneuver his bike side caddy with mine. “Will you be my date to Dirk and Alyssa’s wedding?”

“Yes.”

“I’m trying really hard not to kiss you.” He whispers taking my hand off the handlebar holding it with his.

“I’m trying really hard not to let you.” I blow out a small breath.

Connecting my hand with his lips, another round of goosebumps cascade up and down my arm. Wonderfully soft lips leaving another nonexistent mark on my hand. Desperate for his hands on my body and his lips touching mine, I closed my eyes replaying that night at Augmented.

That night left so much to the imagination.

I truly knew I was in trouble. Endanger of warnings flashed before my eyes. Letting go was the scariest part. Freeing my inhibited self-hatred for what he did to me or what he might do wiggled and nagged in my brain.

The only thing I could refrain from allowing myself to indulge in was chocolate cake. I’m pretty sure Landen would break me of that too.

“Race you back? We can iron out the details of our deal and eat some food. Oh and dance to disco.” He says gently gliding my hand back to the handlebar, fingers brushing the top of my fingers.

A smile voluntarily plants itself on my lips. “Sure.” I say feeling the gravitational pull of his persistence. The damn thing was infectious and wanted.

Walking my bike in line with his, “Ready, set, go!” He shouts taking off.

Me though, I stay back loving the bouncing excitement humming in my body from admiring the muscles in his legs faintly tick as they work the pedals.


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Food vs. Men – Chapter 5

June 4th 2016

 

“You’ve never been to the ocean?” Mark asks placing his napkin in his lap. 

We were at Taco Guild Gastropub, once an old church, they had the best tacos and craft beer in town.


“I have been to see the ocean, but I have never been in the water. I was eight when my parents took me for the first time. I stood at the edge of the water and in came this big monster wave and I refused to go in. Now tell me something that you’re embarrassed about?”


“I peed the bed until I was nine.” He says nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders as if he is proud.

“Yeah, you win.”

“Five dollars please.” Holding out his hand, I lightly smack mine with his. “No, I’d rather have a -” Leaning over his warm lips tasted like bitter IPA land on mine.

Kissing Mark was still new, but something that my insides felt would never get old. In two months, we have done a lot of making out. Kiss petting is what Alyssa called it.

I started to learn the shape of his lips, the curve of the top one and thickness of the bottom. I especially found it fascinating to play around with what he liked and didn’t.

The knots tying up my insides with nerves that never seemed to ease until we did this. The short and sweet kiss didn’t last very long, but in my mind I would replay it making it last longer until the next one.

Pecking my lips, he murmurs, “I love kissing you.”

“Me too.” I pecked back before taking a little nip of his bottom lip pulling on it softly.

Mark’s body shuddered. An involuntary movement his body always did when I nipped on his lower lip. Sometimes he let a low throaty groan escape his mouth. But I am glad he didn’t. I don’t think I could take the flickers of tingles between my legs this early in our date.  

Uprighting himself, he laces his fingers through mine resting in my lap. Studying his hand, his long fingers could probably work magic on me.

I was pent up with sexual elation. I always wondered if I thought more about sex than he did. A subject we still hadn’t discussed. I didn’t know if he was waiting for me to give the green light or I was waiting for him. So, we stayed in yellow light limbo.

“What’s the next question?” Clearing my throat, I ask taming my g-rated lacy thoughts.

“The Rolling Stones or The Beatles?”

“Hands down, The Beatles.”

“It’s because of Yoko Ono, huh?” His thumbs rubs sifting over the top of my hand confusing my thoughts.

“What?” I pause reflecting on the movement of his hand, “No, I am not one of the ones who blame her for the breakup of the band. But now that you mention it, I think you do.”

“I do. She had John Lennon wrapped around her finger.”

“Now you’re just being silly.” I chuckle picking up my water for a drink.

“I am not. The Rolling Stones-“

Swallowing a mouth full of water, I set my glass back down. “Had like fifty members since the sixties.”

“But are still together.”

“Lame.” I counter, “The Beatles were the four princes of their time. They spoke to teen angst, they weren’t competitive or jealous, and they could have been a one hit band, but they weren’t. They kept getting better, because they wanted better for their music. Next you’re going to ask me who is more attractive Mick Jagger or Keith Richards.” My nose scrunches at the thought.

“Now this I am interested in hearing.” He bellows a laugh.

“Only if you answer first.”

Leaning into me, “Don’t tell anyone, but Keith Richards was my teen crush.” He whispers, his voice a lacy hushed tone.

Tilting my head back, I belly laugh. Rich and deep, my body shakes. By the time I am done catching myself to stop laughing, my eyes reach Mark’s as he examines me.

“You have these two laugh lines,” Freeing our laced fingers, one of his hands traces the line next to my eye and the other one traces one on my cheek. “They are one of my favorite things about you.” He admits in a low husky tone bringing his hand down away from my face.

“What else?” I swallow up the attention obviously eager to hear more.

Opening his mouth, the waitress finally makes her appearance taking our order.

“We will take our order to go.” Mark says and I give him an incredulous look not understanding why he brought me out only to take food to go. Writing down our order, the waitress saunters off stealing side glances at Mark.

I was getting used to it. How other women stared at him a little longer than necessary. He was handsome. Tonight in particular, he wore dark blue jeans and a short sleeve white button down. The sleeves were rimmed with an two inches of black material and the chest pocket was also black. When he bent forward, the shirt tightened and squeezed his biceps showcasing his muscles. And the laid back look was matched with a pair of all black Chuck Taylors. So, yeah I expected women to look at him.

“Another favorite of mine is when you take your finger and brush it across your bottom lip in a soft motion,” He demonstrates his finger going back and forth in his own mouth, my eyes transfixed on his lips, “As you think over something. It’s different, not the whole lip biting thing most people do. I drives me wild, like you want me to pay attention to your hand and lips at the same time.” Taking his hand off his mouth, his brings his thumb to my mouth sweeping it across my bottom lip.

Fuck butterflies. There were none floating. They were an overused cliche to describe what he was doing.

A low hum filled as his cold thumb pricked awareness on my bottom lip. Swaying his thumb back and forth as if my lips were a guitar making the sweetest melody, his free hand rested on my thigh as he leans into me. Bringing myself to him, our noses bump before he removes his thumb and kisses me.

 

“This is beautiful,” Laying down on the blanket in the bed of his truck, I stared at the stars above us.

“I used to come here with my mom. She’d get off work, pick us up food, and we’d park here.”

Here was just on the side of the road outside of city limits where the city didn’t cast a darker shadow over the sky.

“Sounds like a good tradition.” I say knowing how much his mom meant to him. On our first real date, our conversation led to serious family history.

When Mark was eighteen his mom was leaving her shift at the local hospital. A felon who had been brought into the ER, stole the gun of the police officer escorting him. The felon, Jessie Trope, shot one round meant for the officer and missed, the shot hit Mark’s mom on the side of her skull. Mark said the bullet was a through and through, his mom had no chance of surviving.

“It was.” Swiveling his head to the side, he looks up at the stars.

“Thank you for bringing me here. For sharing tacos and letting me have the last of the chips and salsa. But most importantly for sharing something you did with your mother with me.” Leaning up on my hands, Mark revolves his head in my direction. His eyes are a little misty from the memories.

“Cassie, you’re incredible. She would have loved you.”

“Well-“ I dust myself off in a teasing manner. “I bet I would have loved her too.”

Mark chuckles hanging his head in the process.

Inspiring me to transport myself closer to him. Near him. Craving his very touch and breath as close as I can get it.

His hands rest slacked at his side, long legs straight in front of him part as mine wrap around his back, my ass touching the bed of the truck.

“I’m not the only one who is incredible. You are. You should be proud of yourself and everything you’ve accomplished. Almost junior detective.”

Burying his head in my shoulder, he lightly pecks feathered kisses on my clavicle.

“You know what I was thinking earlier?”

“Dammit, I shouldn’t have given her the last of the chips and salsa?”

“Exactly. That last crunch really hurt.”

I giggle. I loved that we joked, but also had serious conversations.

“I was thinking how lucky I was that Cole invited me to his apartment and ran into you again. After Natalie, I wasn’t looking to date anyone and then you showed up. I knew I couldn’t let you get away.”

Blushing, I dip my head. I wasn’t used to being with guys like Mark. I mean, hello, I dated subpar Chuck and Guppy Finn, both of them didn’t say things the way Mark did.

“I’m glad you didn’t let me get away. You changed my whole perspective on dating.” I hadn’t wrote on my blog in two months. With Mark I didn’t need to write and compare him to food. I still cooked and created recipes, but sharing him with my followers wasn’t something I was ready to do.

If what we had was special, I didn’t want to ruin it.

Conflicting views about my blog made me rethink the way I did things. Said things. Compared things. Maybe I was doing it all wrong or maybe I was changing because being with Mark gave me hope.

“Changed how?” His eyebrows rise high on his head, his fingers leave pleasing tingles along my back.

“I dated more guys than I care to admit and each one either ended badly or didn’t work out. But you have given me hope that what we have will work.” I shyly admit putting all my eggs in the Mark basket.

Considerate and caring. Charming and thoughtful. Mark was all of those things. There was more to him, but I didn’t know him well enough to see all the things he kept hidden.

“I like work.” He winks and I playfully slap him on his shoulder.

Adjusting myself, I bend my legs behind me. Inclining back, Mark places his hands underneath his head for support. Resting my hands on his chest, they rise and fall with his steady breathing.

His eyes scan the stark black sky while I study every inch of his face with what little light the flashlights Mark propped down on the roof. The small black circular lights barely had enough battery life left, but just enough dim light to see the shadow of his face.

Wishing the flashlights don’t burn out, I allow myself a little more time to roam and explore his facial features. The slight part on his lips relaxes as his strong cheekbones loosen being surrounded by the shared memories with his mom. Changing the direction of his head, his nose convex and fleshy brought out the spiced rum color in his eyes matching the stubble growing along his rectangular jawline.

Something about watching him made my mind slow to a crawl. A whoosh of luckiness lodges itself around my heart. Wanting to be closer to him, he read my thoughts. Pulling me down onto him, my head rested next to his heart. The light thumping of his heart reminded me of a kick drum beating at a methodical rhythm.

Lazily, one hand runs up and down my back. Almost drifting off to sleep. I fought the urge to stay awake just to listen to his heart a little longer.

 

“Can we stop by Lit? Alyssa texted me that there are letters I need to pick up.” Bending down, I look for my shoe in the dirt.

Not getting a reply, I look up seeing Mark rub his hand across the back of his neck.

“Mark, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t like going there.” He grits through clenched teeth, hands balled into fists at his sides. “He’s there. He’s always there when he shouldn’t be.”

Sucking in a large breath, this was the first time he has said anything about Landen working at Lit. Zeke and Landen took over the kitchen remodel after Alyssa cornered him at Augmented. She wanted to know why my eyes were lusty and my cheeks were flushed after I came back from the bathroom. Interrogating him, she also found out he worked construction and hired him without Dirk’s approval. Lucky for Alyssa, Dirk didn’t mind. He had been through enough interviews his motto consisted of “fuck it.” After meeting Landen, Dirk and him became friends.

Climbing back into the bed of the truck, my flat slips off into the dirt again.

“I told you this before he is there because he is only doing the kitchen remodel, not me. We hardly even talk.”

That is the truth. When I found out Landen took the job, I immediately told Mark. He wasn’t too pleased to hear Landen was back in the picture, but he never mentioned how much it bothered him that we were working together.

Landen agreed to stay away from me, but his idea of staying away meant giving me a short distance. We hardly talked unless it was in question form.

Do you want the shelves here? How many do you want? What color for the walls?

All questions. I answered them and went on about my day.

“I know you said that, but I can tell his motives.”

They were clear to anyone, I said to myself keeping a lid on my filter.

“Mark, I wouldn’t be with you if I wanted to be with him.” I spoke softly reassuring his jealousy. “Alyssa said this letter is one I have been waiting for.” All of the crowdfunding letters started to trickle in over the last couple of months. Next to the office door, we set up a box and a check list of the vendors we sent the letters out to.

The only missing letter finally arrived. Dirk, Alyssa and I all agreed once the last one came in we would meet at the bar and drink while opening them. Kind of like celebrating and getting shit faced from denial. A total win, win.

“I know,” Downward his gaze looks anywhere but mine, it was downright unnerving. “I understand the kitchen remodel, but being a bartender there too.”

Dirk was looking for a part time bartender and Landen took the job. Knowing where Mark was coming from, I didn’t understand Landen’s motives as to why he took or needed the extra job. I also didn’t ask him.

“I can’t answer that one.” I mumble.

“We are having a good night, so why ruin it by going to Lit?”

Apart of me knew he was right and apart of me wanted him to understand how much these letters meant to me. They were my new future. A startup for something amazing and different. Going to Lit wasn’t about seeing Landen or talking to him. He kept his promise and I have moved on. Going there was to start a new journey, one with hope and fears. Those damn letters are at me for months.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a village to start a dream. My friends, who not only supported my dream also wanted to be apart of it. That’s pretty damn special.

“You’re being petty and selfish. These letters aren’t about Landen, they are about me and what I am trying to accomplish. Landen isn’t always going to be around and if you can’t understand that then drop me off and leave.” Pushing myself off the bed of the truck, my feet hit the ground.

I was being harsh and knew his feelings were valid. We hadn’t been together long enough for him to believe me and only my words could be enough validation, when really they weren’t.

His jealousy stung my heart. He clearly didn’t understand I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t read those letters. I already missed so much precious sleep my body begged for it.

Not saying a word, all I can hear is the bed of the truck moving behind me as I locate my flats. Tapping them against the palm of my hand, Mark lifts the tailgate closing it so hard, I jump causing my ballet flat to fall out of my hand and into the dirt.

Sighing, I pick it up and dust it off walking to the front of the truck. Sliding into the driver’s seat remembering not to slam the door, I sink lower in my seat allowing my heart to catch the steadfast beats inside my chest.

Mark enters the truck jabbing the key into the ignition, lowly the truck rumbles to life. His seat belt clicks and he closes his car door slamming the truck into drive.

Staring out the side view mirror, I can see the dust kick back on the road from the red taillights. Silently singing the lyrics to random members of the 27 Club, I start with Robert Johnson first.

By the time we reach Lit, I have already made it up to Brian Jones when he was with The Rolling Stones, silently cursing Keith Richards and the joke back at the Taco Guild.

The truck creeps next to a parked car, before Mark can say anything, I unlock the door hopping out not saying a word as I make my way inside the bar.

For a Thursday, it’s packed. Sports highlights with closed captioning decorate the numerous flat screen televisions, most the the tables and booths are full of patrons and the conversations jumble together from everyone trying to compete for attention like its their fifteen minutes of fame. For a bar that doesn’t serve food yet, people love coming here.

Spotting Landen behind the bar, I march through the crowd in his direction. His slender frame leans over the bar and I watch his fingers play some kind of flirty game with an attractive blonde dressed in business attire.

Having this urge to scream his name, I sink under the latch door and pull out my phone. Searching through the songs, waiting to see if the other two bartenders are going say anything to me for being back here, I locate the song. While the bartenders are all occupied with customers or strumming girls fingers like a fucking fiddle, I jam my phone in the speaker dock and press play allowing the song’s guitar solo and drums fill the speakers first.

Thirty seconds pass before Landen turns around recognizing the song, “Over the Hills and Far Away” by Led Zeppelin. Tucking my phone behind the bottles of alcohol, I turn to the bar grabbing a tall glass. Filling it halfway with vodka and use the pop gun to squirt a little bit of orange juice into the glass.

“Bad day at the office?” Landen smirks resting one arm on the bar leaning closer to me.

The song I picked was loud. The speakers reverberated the liquor shelves as the glass made their own tunes.

“Bad night in general.” I comment knocking back half of the glass before I task myself with refilling it Landen beats me to it.

“Oh, bad date night?” His eyes traipse over my outfit as he pours vodka into my glass.

Wearing a pale pink silk skirt with black lace band sewn around the waist and a deep v-neck, I thought my outfit choice was cute. The ladies were a little on display, but not too much. That didn’t stop Landen’s eyes from stopping for a peak though.

Men were never subtle when it came to looking at cleavage, but they are more subtle when it came to scratching themselves in public. Must be all that practice.

Taking the popgun, I add an barely any orange juice. If I didn’t slow down, I would be drunk before I even saw the letters.

“Yeah, something like that.”

“What did you and Mark get into a fight?” The way Mark’s name rolled off Landen’s tongue was more than bitter. It was sour and very distasteful.

“Not a fan, huh?”

“You know I am not.” He answers honesty.

“Too bad you don’t get a say in the matter, but your presence here ruins my relationship.” I cringe after the words leave my mouth. The argument wasn’t his fault it was mine.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Do I have to spell it out for you?”

“No, I get it. What I don’t understand is why you played our song?” The song on my phone lulls to the end soon being replaced by an AC/DC tune

“Over the Hill and Far Away.” played numerous times that summer on the radio when we hung out. Landen sang it every time looking directly at me. Each time he claimed it was fate.

“To catch your attention opposed to yelling your name from across the bar.”

“Remember when we first heard it?”

“Yeah,” I smiled remembering it. Memories either had a way of making you angry or bringing a smile to your face. “We were sitting in Bessie. You were in the driver’s seat and I was in the passenger’s seat with my feet up on the dash. The song came on and we both started singing it.”

“I made that song come on the radio every other time we heard it. I would get up certain mornings and call the rock station begging them to play the song at a certain time. Or request it during lunch. After a while one person told me to cave and buy the record, but I couldn’t. The way your face lit up believing it was fate made all the lying worth it. You using that song to get my attention fucking hurts.” Grabbing a bar rag next to me, he takes it in his hand. Allowing himself seconds of looking at my face, his eyes wore a painful expression.

Seeing the look on his face left a bitter unwanted feeling sinking in the pit of my stomach. Mark, Landen and I were in this triangle of complication. Mark hated Landen. I disliked Landen working here. I liked Mark. Such a messing fucking triangle. If triangles had middles, I would be stuck stuck in the center. Yet, I was stuck at the point like a point guard. You get it.

With my drink in hand, I walk out from behind the bar to find Dirk and Alyssa. Weaving through the crowd, I force myself not to look at Landen. That damn song. The damn gesture, romantic and sweet meant a lot to him and I ruined it. I was doing that a lot tonight.

The office was located down a short hallway next to the bathrooms. A sign hung on the door that said, “knock before entering.” Lightly knocking on the door, I opened it. Dirk and I groaned loudly together. My visioned hurt seeing Dirk’s ass with his pants hanging just below it. Alyssa down in her knees peaks her head over from behind his as he scrambles to pull on his pants.

“Uh, I will wait for you in the kitchen.” Shutting the door, Dirk yells from behind it.

“Landen said you couldn’t go in there yet!”

Landen said a lot of things, it didn’t mean I had to follow them.

Gasping at the renovated kitchen, I can hear Landen and Dirk having an argument as they entered through the doors.

“I told her not to come in here.”

“Yeah, you could have done a better job of keeping her out” Dirk’s voice rose over Landen’s.

Tuning them out, my fingers brush along one of the large steel utility tables in the center of the kitchen. The smell of fresh paint hung in the air and the kitchen appliances shined from being brand new, waiting to be broken in.

Tilting my head to the ceiling, fifteen circular industrial kitchen lights hung from the ceiling. When I picked them I was afraid they wouldn’t give off enough light, but they did. And their dull copper finish was beautiful.

The kitchen had everything I asked for and more. Two dual industrial convection stoves with a built in griddle and double deep fryer sat against the back wall. The massive ventilation system hung above tying it altogether. Across from the steel tables in the center of the kitchen was eight feet of wooden shelves held together with piping at the top, bottom, and middle. Each one held mismatched plates, bowls, and cups. I couldn’t decide on one color, so I picked out different reds, teals, blues, and oranges.

“Do you like it?” Landen asked sitting on top of the steel table.

Looking around it was just him and I, Dirk left the kitchen. In Landen’s hands he held a large stack of letters.

“I like it? I love it!” I yelled so loud my voice ping ponged around the empty kitchen. Riding the wave of excitement, my dream was almost alive, the only thing to get it beating was to start cooking.

“This isn’t all of it.” Lifting himself up, he comes around to me on the other side of the table. “I didn’t want you back here because I still have a few more things to finish.” Taking my hand, he leads me to the closed storage room door, pushing it open. Flipping on the lights, the dark room came to life.

My feet felt like air as I stepped inside investigating the mystery. The once storage room, which was actually large enough to be a small liquor store was now a small teaching classroom. The walls were a deep sunflower yellow and the tables were made from recycled materials.

Tracing one of the tables with my fingers, “Is this an old door?”

“Damn you’re good.” He smiles at me. “Each table is made from a different door and each door has a bottom pull out shelf that stores cooking utensils” Tugging the drawer open, he shows me the compartment dividers and slats for knife storage.

“Landen, this is – I am speechless.”

“There’s more.” Lacing his fingers through mine, he guides me to the wall near the door with two old refurbished stoves. “I wanted you to have a place where the kids you’re helping don’t have to walk back and forth between the other kitchen and this one.”

“A mini kitchen within a kitchen.”

“Exactly. You also have one refrigerator, but the only thing I couldn’t put in here was a sink.”

“It’s beautiful. All of it.” I really couldn’t form words to describe how I felt, so I did the only thing I could think of. I hugged him. Catching him off guard, he wraps his arms around my back bringing me closer to him.

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” I whisper into his chest inhaling various smells – paint, liquor, and his body wash – cling to his clothes.

“Does that mean you love it?” I could hear a grin in his voice.

“I do.”

We stood like that for a couple more seconds.“I knew it!” Mark yells.

Searching for his positioning, he watch him punch the wall next to the door. Jumping, the force of the punch breaks through the drywall as cracks scatter across and downwards.

“Mark, this isn’t what you think.” I shriek maneuvering around the tables to get to him.

“The hell it is!” He stalks further into the room pushing the refurbished tables out of his way almost knocking them on their sides. Luckily the legs roughly scrape along the tiled floor. Anger pronounced on his face, he walks rigid and tight. The large vein in his neck pounds on each step further inside.

“I came back to apologize, but the only one that needs to apologize is you.” He stops himself pivoting back to the door knowing if he didn’t leave now the situation was going to be worse.

“Excuse me?” I stop moving trying to catch myself from saying something I will regret later. “Let’s go talk outside.”

“There is nothing to say.”

“I don’t know what you’re fighting about, but Cas and I are just friends.” Landen chimes in my defense obviously knowing the gist of the situation.

Mark chuckles, disbelieving and slightly evil. The sound scared me a little. “Yeah, friends don’t hug their friends like that. I almost believed you when we were on our date. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, but seeing you two together made me realize I am not crazy.” He finishes finally turning back around.

“Listen, we do have history, but Cassie made it clear for me to stay away from her. She is over me. The only reason she was hugging me was to thank me.”

“You two are living in denial.”

“Mark-“ my voice cracks trying to salvage my relationship with him. He wasn’t believing any of this. His idea was all wrong. “Please talk to me.”

Mark picks up the one of the letters Landen left on one of the tables ripping it in half.

Rushing to the rest, he manages to rip two more by the time I make it over to him snatching the remaining ones in my hands.Tossing them in the air like confetti raining down on his delusional parade, he leaves the kitchen. Inside the larger kitchen, a loud crash collides with the tiles on the floor.

Running into the other kitchen, the doors swing on their hinges in his final disappearing act. Mark knocked over a whole row of mugs off the bottom shelf leaving a destruction of cathartic aftermath in his absence.

“That asshole.” Landen says chasing after Mark.

“Landen stop!” I call out knowing it’s too late.

Tonight has been one of those nights that starts off good, then turns to shit, only to brighten up, and turns back into a really shitty disaster.

The mess is done. I couldn’t fix the broken dishes or change Mark’s mind, but I could stop Landen from making a big life changing decision.

I worried about him fighting with a cop. I worried about his history and what it meant for his future.

Bolting through the kitchen doors, I charge after Landen.


Chapter 6 is coming soon. First time being published ever! Keep a look out!

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Food vs. Men – Chapter 4

*Writer Warning: Chapter 4 is my longest chapter to be published, and its also my favorite.*

April 1st 2016

Seven minutes. Four hundred and twenty seconds of speed dating. A noun for an organized social activity (torture event) for men and women seeking a platonic relationship. Basically, it’s chair torture for insane people wanting seven minutes with the opposite sex to gage their interest in a short span of time.

Chair torture!

How did my boss talk me into this?

Yes, my boss.

Three months ago, I walked into her office with the proposal to start cooking classes at Lit, Dirk’s bar. Planting the idea in my head, Alyssa and I had been researching and typing up a proposal for my boss, Norma.

Norma always the last one to leave the office was sitting at her desk one night when I approached her with my plan. Each passing year, Open Arms, our non profit would hold numerous charitable donation events to keep Alyssa’s insane idea alive.

Inside the folder were drafted crowdfunding letters to big companies like Disney, Old Navy, Best Buy, Amazon, Barnes and Nobles, just to name a few. We asked for donations either in cash form or donations for our silent auction to raise money to spread business awareness.

The same went for local business. Tech Hut, a few local grocery stores, clothing stores, and family fun entertainment venues.

Then came the insane goal, budget. Exactly how much did I need to help foster kids learn how to cook and live independently? In the first year, how many foster kids aging out of the system would I provide hands on training?

Budgeting for large groups of people required something I didn’t have experience with, but something Norma did. Skeptical about my proposal, Norma gave me the go ahead to jump start my plan. The letters had been sent out to all businesses.  Dirk started renovations on Lit, only to fire the first contractor for skipping work too many days. As he searched for a new contractor, I researched inexpensive venus and or free venues for local bands to hold a concert.

One place, I had in mind was Seventeen, a club for teenagers ages twelve to seventeen. Their venue was a two story warehouse with an open floor plan.

A month into planning, Norma approached me with the idea to hold a speed dating event. She mentioned my blog and how on the forefront of dating, so why not raise money and date at the same time.

The speed dating event would be held over the course of four weeks, each week having a different age group. First night, twenty-one to thirty-three, second night thirty-four to forty-five, third night was forty-six to fifty-six and the last night was fifty-six to sixty-five. The large age gaps were for personal preference to age likes.

Alyssa’s idea.

Seven minutes. Four hundred and twenty seconds was all it took to meet someone at a speed dating event.

The patio at Augmented was located on one roof of one of the smaller high rises in downtown Phoenix. The bulb patio lights refracted small bits of dim lighting bouncing them off one building to the next accentuating hints of shiny elements, along with my silver shimmery pencil skirt that reached just below my knees.

Tightly winding my legs together in case a man tried anything only seemed fitting for tonight.

Pairing my skirt with a black fitted shirt and denim jacket, my high heel stilettos complimented my short legs perfectly. They added longevity when I didn’t have much in the way of legginess.

“If I smile anymore, I will get lockjaw.” I grit through my teeth. Arriving twenty minutes ago, Alyssa, a spectator, continuously reminded me to smile.

Be friendly and open. Think of this as practice.

Liking her last bit of advice, I figured to do just that, I would practice.

These men were like going to the batting cages. I would work on my technique, form of conversation, and nerves all within seven minutes.

“Just relax, you will be fine.” Alyssa fiddles with her large silver hoop earring with little skulls at the end. Her hair parted and twisted with two large Maleficent cones screamed for attention more than her long legs beneath the knee length deep wine colored dress that she combined with a black leather jacket. Her makeup, flawless with dark rich colors and deep wine colored lips.

“You’re right.” I say on a large exhale of breath, picking up my apple martini downing the contents in one large gulp setting the glass on the small patio bar. “I need to relax and have fun. Smile and be nice and friendly. All the stuff you’ve been telling me.” What I didn’t say was my insides were chattering with nerves and I hoped the alcohol would calm them down.

“No way,” Alyssa says gripping my arm for dear life, “Why is my brother here?” Cole entered the patio area from the open doors, his hands resting in pockets of his dark blue dress slacks. Immediately spotting us, tilts his head in our direction as a wave.

“What are you doing here?” Hands on her hips, sassiness masked her friendly adorable personality as Cole neared the bar.

“I invited him and Mark.” I smile apologetically. I swore she growled at my apology.

After everything that happened with Alyssa during college, Cole came to the rescue. Rescue meant keeping tabs on her and then fighting like cats and dogs. When it rained, it poured with them.

Cole cared about Alyssa deeply, coming around to the idea of her marrying an older man. She once said his biggest regret was not knowing about everything going on in her life. I reminded her it wasn’t about other people giving up their lives, because they have to live them. It’s about that one person who takes a moment to say hi or ask how you are doing that makes a huge difference.

A surmountable difference.

“Let me let you in on a little secret baby sister,” He leans his large frame closer to her tiny one. “I am here to find me a match.” He devilishly grins, lips molded into a firm devilishly grin.

Alyssa sighs, “Cole, so help me god, don’t ruin tonight.”

“I wouldn’t do anything of the sorts. Besides, Cassie here needs all the moral support she could get, don’t you?” He nudges me with his elbow.

“It’s good to see you too Cole, you clean up nicely.” That wasn’t sarcasm, it was a compliment. Cole was very good looking, tall, slender and muscular. Total opposite of Mark his partner, who was more broad shouldered and wide chested. Cole had deep chocolate eyes and wore his devilishly sexy grin well. The last time I saw him, which had been months ago, he was sweaty from his workout, so tonight he did clean up since the last time I saw him.

“And so do you,” Scanning body with his eyes, I nervously look away under his stare, “Really nice.”

“Balls, big brother, balls.” Sipping her drink, Alyssa reminds him of her warning.

No dating Cassie.

“Sorry Cassie, I love my balls too much.” He laughs looking away.

“So, I guess Mark is a no show?” Alyssa reads my mind.

Cole, “I guess so.” Turning his attention to the bar, he orders a long neck beer.

“I am sorry, Cassie,” Leaning into me, she whispers out of Cole’s hearing.

Shrugging, “It’s okay. I half expected him to show up.” I met Mark the same night I was rekindled with sweaty Cole. Cole and Mark worked together at the local police department.  Mark to agree to come tonight because I told him it was for charity. Recently single, his deadly good looks flustered my tongue tying it into verbal dysfunction.

In the span of seven minutes, my tongue would have to untie itself to ask him questions. Ask him out, and free itself aimlessly chatting away.

Deciding to change my wardrobe up a bit. Next door to the nail salon I frequented was a small clothing boutique, the mannequin in the window was wearing the skirt I had on. The shiny material immediately caught my attention and I went inside to purchase it for tonight. Aiming for gorgeous and attention grabbing, it worked. The guys here tonight had given me many once overs, but the one guy whose attention I wanted was a no show.

The event planner clinked her glass, waiting for the room to quiet down, I zoned out inwardly chastising myself for putting in effort when I should have went for lackluster.

“Excuse me,” The young male bartender tapped me on the shoulder.

Spinning around in his direction, “Yes.”

Setting an apple martini in front of me, “The gentleman over there wanted me to give you this and this,” he slides a paper across the counter.

Clutching the paper in my fingers, I scan the length of the bar finding Landen sitting at the far end. Our eyes meet, lifting his beer, he tilts it in my direction. The top button to his dress shirt undone, his eyes shimmered in the light over his head.

Tilting my head back down, my fingers work opening the small piece of paper.

Take a sip and relax, Cassie.

Considering the note, my eyes couldn’t stay away from his meticulous handwriting. The pen pressed deep onto the paper like his words were pressing deep inside my brain.

Thickly swallowing, I wasn’t expecting to see him.

“Thanks,” I say digging in my small black clutch to pull out a tip. Waving me off, the bartender scampers away and I donate the a few dollars to the tip jar on the counter. Wrapping my fingers around the stem of the martini glass, slowly I make my way over to Landen.

His eyes hooded watching my every step as I remained calm and adjusted to seeing him. We hadn’t seen each other since he returned Bessie, scolding me for not properly taking care of her.

“I didn’t peg you for a speed dater, Cassie.” He jokes tilting his head back laughing.

“I didn’t peg you for one either.” I reply not laughing.

“I am here on a date.” He says pointing inside of the restaurant.

“Isn’t it weird you’re on a date, but out here buying me a drink?”

“Not particularly. I told her I saw an old friend and had to catch up for a minute. She didn’t seem to mind.”

Old friends.

He really loved that term.

Old friends, new beginnings.

Rolling my tongue in my mouth, I couldn’t be Landen’s friend. When you have one-sided deep rooted emotions for someone, it’s not a good idea to be friends. All the wonderful feelings for him would mature into a full bloom only to end up dead in the friendship zone.

“Landen.” A chipper voice calls out from behind him, “Our table is ready.”

Catching the voice in my line of vision, a gorgeous redhead, leggy like Alyssa wearing a tan short strapless dress veered in our direction.

“I didn’t peg you for someone who dated high school girls.” I commented straightening myself.

Tilting his head downwards, a deep chuckle escaped his lips. “She’s not in high school. Nursing school, but not high school.”

“Right.” Barely convinced, his date looked prematurely young.

“Hi, I’m Vanessa.” She clicked her name off her tongue as she wrapped her arm around his back side locking Landen at the waist. Sliding his arm around her shoulder, he looked happy and comfortable.

“Cassie, lovely to meet you.”

“Landen says you guys grew up together.”

Pinning our gazes, I studied him for his white lie. “Something like that.” I reply dryly as his eyes plead with mine to go along with his stupid white lie.

“It’s nice to meet someone who knows him.” Vanessa leaned her head on his shoulder.

Ping pong balls of jealousy bounced around in my stomach. The pretty woman’s affection took hold of my cool composure. Inflicted, jealousy was an unwanted disease of emotions. Locking me into place like their arms did to each other.

I tried too hard to get over him. I could stay away for long periods of time, but every time I was confronted by Landen all these old feelings destroyed my ability to rationalize a clear thought staining me with jealousy. Now was no different.

Another check mark on the list of why we shouldn’t be friends.

“It was nice catching up, Landen. Good to meet you Vanessa.” Extending my hand at her, keeping the jealousy at bay, I had to escape the awkward position Landen put me in.

“Nice to meet you too. Maybe we can meet again soon.” She suggests shaking my hand, her fingers resting on the tips of mine.

A royalty handshake, fancy.

“That would be nice.” I lied not wanting to have to meet his girlfriend again.

“See you around, Landen.”

“See you, Cassie.” He winks as I take my drink from the counter downing the contents.

The way I downed drinks, I would end up drunk speed dating.

“Alyssa said I would find you over here.” Mark remarks when I spin around into his well built chest.

“Mark.” I sputter. Not slur. I wasn’t that drunk.

He came!

Happy newfound flutters detonated replacing my earlier jealousy. A warm handsome smile slowly fluctuated two dimples to form just below each of his eyes. Handsomely sporting a silver dress jacket with matching slacks and black button down top, his dark ash hair sleekly styled to one side. Freshly showered, he smelled divine like warm rich spiced rum and baby powder.

“Cassie.” A sexy grin spreads across his face, “You look too beautiful to be raising money for charity.” His eyes skim my body as his fingers brush my hair behind my shoulders for better inspection.

Mark.

Man crazed and tipsy, the strong urge to kiss him sat at the tip of my tongue. All the tongue twisted nerves from his fingers on my tight curls sent a train of wanting deep down between my legs.

“Thank you.” His compliment blushed my cheeks to a dark hued pink.

“You’re welcome. Are you ready?”

To have you on the table?

My mind reeled arousal.

“I am. Are you?”

“Can I be honest?”

Yes, please! But only if your honesty has to do with you and I.

Side note: downing two Martini’s back to back wasn’t a good idea.

“I’m nervous. Dating is hard. Speed dating is probably harder.”

Recovering my drunken mental instability, I smile, “I’m nervous too. If you feel lost or nervous, send a look my way for reassurance.”

“Deal.”

 

With speed dating underway, I was feeling like a champ. The first handful of contenders took a seat across from me when I decided on calling them contenders because I had to weed out those who were here to achieve a date or sex.

I could tell from the moment the first one sat down in front of me, he wasn’t my type. Long rockstar hair, trimmed goatee, hazel eyes, but something was off. He was good looking, but I could sense something. And then he showed me what I knew all along. All of his front teeth were gold.

Bright gold to be exact.

Larry and I didn’t match.

We were like blue cheese and a good wine. Literally the guy smelled like blue cheese, his veiny pungent smelly body odor didn’t sit well on my stomach.

Then there was Gregg with two g’s who pointed to his name tag and talked about himself in the third person. Then Henry, a year younger than me couldn’t put his phone down. He hid it under the table like a student not wanting to get caught by a teacher. Then Sai, deep rich brown skin with matching eyes towered over me at the table was more like a friend. Let’s just say we spent seven minutes talking about curry. His mom owned an Indian restaurant in Chandler. Sai recommended I drive the twenty-four miles for an exquisite taste testing.

By the first half, I was speed dating exhausted. Mark hadn’t made it to my station, and every so often we would send smiles from across the room. Setting up a seven minute speed date to get asked on a real date was a little beneath me. I figured if Mark liked me in seven minutes, then maybe he would ask me out.

Not the most perfect plan, but I had to try.

Seeing the majority of men, some who were nicer than others, we had a ten minute break to mingle and use the restroom.

Following the dark mahogany wood floors vibrating from the music beneath my feet, the line to the restrooms sat between the bar and the hostess station. Single occupant bathrooms seemed to be all the rage, but were downright annoying when you had a full bladder and a line to conquer.

Brushing past me, Landen tugged my hand leading me from my place in line directing us down the small corridor through a door leading into what I assumed was the kitchen. Eyes straight ahead, fingers wrapped tightly around mine, dishes chaotically clanked and flames from the stove rose as the metal pans scraped along the burners. Hungry stomach growled and mouth watered as the kitchen staff nodded at Landen like they gave him approval being back here.

Swirls of questions sat at the tip of my lips, how did he know anyone here?

Opening the cooler door, pulling me inside, the cold metal steel lock clicks behind me as I am met with a rush of cold air.

“What are you doing?” Irritated from being pulled away from the direction of the bathrooms, I didn’t understand his motive.

Grumbling inaudible words, running his fingers down the length of his overgrown styled hair, his internal thought process abruptly stops along with his grumbling lips.

Without a thought, he closes in on me. Backing myself into the steel door for protection, my eyes instinctually flutter closed as I am greeted with his warm attentive lips.

Gripping fistfuls of his dress shirt, my fingers edge his body closer to mine. A moan escapes my lips parting them slightly as his tongue licks softly coaxing them to open. Submerged by his closeness, he smelled the same but different. Sweet and savory like his lips tasted. Landen, my weakness, impassioned by him, I kissed him back wholeheartedly.

My mind a blank slate beckoning me to consider the situation, but I couldn’t. Him and I, the only people existing were us in a well lit cold kitchen refrigerator.

Forcing myself to focus on what was happening, the harder I tried, the deeper our kiss melted away the worries I wouldn’t allow to beckon forth.

Running his fingers ran down my chin, he cupped it softly in the palm of his hand. His other hand rested above my breast flatly across my heart. The placement felt like he was asking me to trust him, to give myself to him when I damn knew well that I couldn’t.

I shouldn’t.

But I did give myself to him. Lifting my leg to edge him closer, I silently cursed my tight pencil skirt. Awkwardly kicking my leg, the tight material at the knees didn’t give me full advantage to wrap my leg around his as my heel slipped off my foot landing on the floor.

Exhausted by my futile efforts, my foot planted itself back down greeted by the cold floor sending a jolt of reality to see the situation clearly. Distracted by the curves of his lips, the taste of his tongue threw me off balance. Shaking off confusion and Landen, I had to get a grip on reality.

His lips so warm, soft changed to an aggressive hungry upbeat, only allowing me a small window of time for my discombobulated thoughts to drop the friendship bomb he had on me earlier didn’t entitled kissing!

Unwantedly dropping fist fulls of his shirt, using all my strength, I pushed him away only succeeding as his heated green eyes, once warm iced over like a thick glaze on a cake.

Struggling to breathe, I couldn’t catch my breath fast enough.

Wtf!

He has a girlfriend.

Vanessa.

You know the one who wants to hang out.

Ugh!

We kissed. It was cake, pie, and ice cream good.

Wincing, “Why?” I stalk to him  hobbling awkwardly pushing at his chest causing his steps to backtrack to the end of the walk in refrigerator as I picked up my heel along the way.

Apprehensively, his fingers run down his hair again, his eyes avoiding contact with mine.

Finding my voice, “I am trying to move on from you. No more wonderful surprise kisses in secret locations!” I poke his chest, “This is a reason why we can’t be friends. You and I have too much history. Bad history. Wonderful history, but still history. And what happened here,” I motioned around the cooler, my heel flinging in my hand, “Shouldn’t happen. You have a girlfriend!”

Taking in the size of the cooler and the food inside, I had always wanted to eat at Augmented. Only opening a few months ago, their waitlist was crazy long. When they agreed to host our speed dating event, I got to taste some of their small appetizers, southern infused cooking with a healthy twist, not fully satisfying my taste buds.

“I’m sorry Cassie. I don’t know what came over me. I saw the way you looked at that guy after we left… I had this strong urge.” He struggled to explain his reasoning, rubbing the back of his neck to ease the tension.

“With time strong urges are meant to decrease by  fighting the urge to primally claim someone you want to be friends with, Landen. Big mistake! Huge! And that guy his name is Mark. I happen to like him. A lot.”

He flinched, glowering at the mention of Mark’s name. His eyes zoned into mine hardening my very core, reaching deep within me to get me to reconsider him.

I stared when the urge of going to the bathroom came back with force. Suffocating inside a cooler with Landen and I kissing wasn’t how I wanted to spend my evening. Skirting around what happened all those years ago, fervently kissing wasn’t going to solve the elephant in the room.

I am not talking about my bladder either.

“I can’t be your friend.” Swiveling on my heels, I turn to the door. Pushing on the inside lock, the door wouldn’t  budge. Jiggling the handle, pleading with the stupid metal, I was stuck.

“It won’t open.” Pushing inward, I try again.

Landen’s presence grew closer behind me as I felt his body heat next to mine. Stepping aside, I let him try.

Fiddling with the handle, his luck matched my own.

Banging on the door a few times, all we could do was wait.

“Can’t you call someone.” Shivering goosebumps prickle down my legs.

“I don’t have my phone.”

“Alyssa has my purse and I have to pee.” I confess dancing around like I had ants in my skirt. I didn’t know how much longer I could hold my bladder.

Lifting my hands into fists, angered at Landen for being so careless, I bang on the door. I banged until my hands were red and sore.

Blocking my hands from another round of banging, Landen cups them in his. Blowing warm shallow breaths over my cold fingers, the heat barely is enough to warm them.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers between blows, his eyes downcasted lifting to meet mine for the briefest second.

Contently sighing, “It’s okay. But we can’t kiss anymore. You have to distance yourself from me.” I confess closing my eyes enjoying seconds of his heated breath prickling along my skin before it vanished, replaced by the cold air.

“I know. It won’t happen again.”

“Promise.”

“Promise.” His words didn’t sound convincing.

“Dammit Landen, take this seriously. Promise me you’ll stop.”

“I’ll promise after you let me touch you one more time.” Caressing his fingers down the length of my arm taking ahold of my heel, he bends down, tenderly gripping my ankle as I steady my hands on his shoulders. Lifting my foot, he slides the black heel on glancing up at me.

“I promise to keep my distance. I promise to tell you I’m sorry for falling in love with Pancetta everyday.” A wobbly choked laughed echoed off my lips at his use of my nickname, “I promise to let you come to me when you’re ready, when you forgive me. I promise when you’re feeling unsteady or unsure I’m going to catch you. I promise for the rest of my life, I’m yours, Cassie. I promise all the promises insufficient and sufficient just to have you in this position, because the next time when you see me down on my knees like this in front of you, I’m going to marry you. If you think me kissing you is a huge mistake, think again. I see it as a small victory.”

Swallowing an insufficient gulp of air, my heart loudly pounded with each promise, five hard beats. Telling my brain and heart to cooperate with each other, my brain wasn’t sure of any promise he made me.

“Landen, I—“ Choked up and lightheaded, spitting out anything, “Landen, how did you get us back here?” I asked distracting myself as his fingers skimmed along the length of my calf. Their slow caress prickled wonderful sensations I hadn’t felt in a long time. I couldn’t muster up the courage to ask him to stop.

“Zeke and I were contracted for the job.” He didn’t seemed bothered I didn’t say anything about his promises. Deep down he knew I wasn’t ready to forgive him.

Zeke, his partner. The guy I never called.

Deciding against being with someone Landen hooked me up with, I threw the number away.

“I thought you were in construction?” His fingers racked higher sending delicious goosebumps along my thigh.

“I am, but my dad gave us a loan to start our own construction company.” Using his other hand, his fingers synced caresses on my other leg.

He wasn’t making this easy. Attentive and soft, but not easy.

“You got your second chance.” I give him a cheesy smile.

“Not quite, only in one part of my life I did.” Sliding his fingers up the hem of my pencil skirt, my breath hitched as my nails dig into his shoulder with need and anticipation.

Unexpectedly, the door swung open bringing extra light into the refrigerator. A large man stood at the entrance studying the both of us and our positioning.

Embarrassed, caught with Landen’s down on his knees, hands halfway up my skirt, I pulled my leg back racing past the man at the door. My heels clicked against the floor centering guilt in my gut on my way to the bathroom.

 

During the rest of speed dating, my mind focused solely on leftovers. I was Landen’s leftovers. The type of leftovers someone loved so much they kept making them just to reheat them when the craving was strong.

Landen had a strong urge to test, taste, and promise my devotion to him.

I didn’t like being a leftover. Dammit, leftovers were to be eaten over a small period of time, or else they spoiled. My time with Landen was up. Spoiled rotten. He totally forgot to freeze me for future use. Although he tried earlier, I rushed out before he lost interest in my taste clearly throwing myself out.

By the time Mark reached my table, his friendly eyes eased my bundled leftover nerves.

“Having a good night?” He asks taking a seat.

“The best.” I smile jokingly.

“You know, I have a confession to make. I waited to see if you would have noticed, which is why I didn’t say anything sooner.”

“Okay.” The bundles of nerves returned as I gripped the bottom my chair.

“We’ve met before.”

“We have?” Easing my fingers from under the chair, I didn’t recognize him at all.

“In high school, you went to the movies with Sharon Winters to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Sharon was dating my best friend James at the time. You were standing in line reading the book trying to catch up before we went inside. You made a comment looking up from the book to find James and Sharon making out. Your eyes landed on mine and you said —“

The memory returned with full force, “Eighteenth century vampires apparently needed the same genetics as twenty-first century vampires, glimmer and shine. And the guy standing next to me commented that sparkly vampires were accurately portrayed in the series.”

“That guy would be me.”

“No way.” Mark looked completely different, like a chameleon shedding his skin into a whole new person. His hazel eyes swirled brightly with emerald green and deep yellows accentuating his sun kissed skin. Broad wide shoulders hugged his button down shirt against his masculine athletic build. His easy going personality admirable and affectionate caught my heart in a baseball glove. When I met him some months ago, we did talk. Mark made conversation easy, while I fumbled a coherent sentence.

I can’t believe he recognized me and I didn’t say anything until now.

“I lost twenty pounds, joined the police academy and started working out.”

“I shared my bag of popcorn with you when you forgot your wallet at home.” The memories still fresh on my mind.

“You even bought me a soda.” We laughed at the memory.

“Small world.” My laughter ceased, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We went to two different schools, but besides that I was insecure about my looks. I had the courage to talk to you when I saw you again the summer after graduation. I saw you at the movies at the concession stand when I spotted you, as I made my way over another guy came behind you pulling you in for a kiss.”

Landen. See leftovers. Either I was a leftover or Landen was. The scraps of our one month stint got in the way of.. well, guys like Mark.

Not remembering the title of the movie, we had went to see some blockbuster action movie right before he left.

“I’m sorry.” I offer as a consolation prize, a shitty one. “If I wasn’t with someone and you tried, I would have said yes.” That was the honest truth. We chatted before and after the movie while Sharon and James were sucking face. The way he was all the years ago and a couple of months back, easy going, made me flustered because of his looks. Even twenty pounds heavier, Mark was adorably handsome.

“Want to get out of here?”

“I can’t. Co-organizer.”

“How about I will wait for you and we head out to get something to eat. I know a great 24 hour Mexican restaurant.”

“Chips and salsa?”

“On me.”

Maybe, leftovers weren’t so bad if they were recreated differently.

 

Recreated leftovers vs. Speed Dating

 

Some people like leftovers and some people don’t. It’s that simple. But if you took a leftover and recreated differently, do you think it would be more appealing and edible? Or do you think timing and hunger is the key to fixing someone’s aversion to leftovers?

Personally, I love leftovers. A little green beans from the night before are a great addition to a salad or even next to a fresh plate of food? Leftover spaghetti, yes please! Especially cold.

When you save something you think has no purpose, think again. I mean, really think long and hard about the capabilities that small amount of food can be recreated into something yummy.

You’re probably asking yourself how does leftovers and speed dating go together? I rekindled with a man from my past, a man I intentionally asked to speed dating in hopes he would ask me out, and but he remembered me and I had no clue who he was.

I am not comparing him to leftovers. I

What I am comparing leftovers to is all my failed relationships. Thinking back, could I really recreate our compatibility? Some yes, and some like sub par Chuck, no effin’ way.

Before, you even ask could I recreate what L and I had all those years ago? No. We’ve both matured. Ours lives have taken us on different paths, now a path that seems to be reconnecting, but different than years before. .

I am talking about recreating a dish you forgot about or something you thought had no purpose. For instance, M, a guy way before L, who I met in high school, sadly I didn’t see a purpose in him. We went to different schools, he never asked for my phone number, or made a hint he was into me. But life has a funny way of bringing two people together when they least expect it. Especially, when I am trying to get over L from my past.

After speed dating, M and I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant. Knowing him previously and learning about the man he is now, the man recreated himself was breathtaking.

All those built up nerves I had from the nights events vanished. M’s attentive and relaxed demeanor made me follow suit.

We talked about life after high school, me college and him the police academy. I learned how even as a policeman, he thinks gun laws in our country need revision. I swore he talked about change and I swallowed it up. Watching his hard jaw move along with his plump lips as passion poured from his mouth.

Completely amazed at how the timid teenage boy from my past became a passionate law enforcement officer felt like our second chance encounter was purposely recreated by fate.

The whole meal was spent talking and eating. We stayed out way too late enjoying one another’s company.

By the end of our “date” (I don’t know if I should call it that) M watched me pack up my leftovers, including chips with a curious grin on his face.

“What?” I asked sheepishly.

“I’m just curious to know why you’re taking the chips.” He replied reaching for my hand swaddling his fingers through my free hand.

“They are going to toss them.”

“And…” He encourages me to continue.

“And I am going to use them to make chilaquiles.” The menu didn’t even offer them or else I would have gotten them over enchiladas.

“What are those?”

“Tortillas fried until crispy, red or green sauce is incorporated and it’s topped with cheese. Also served with a side of eggs. In some Hispanic cultures leftover or stale tortillas are used to make the dish.”

“Sounds delicious. I didn’t see that on the menu.”

“They didn’t have it.” I frowned.

“Does that mean I am invited over for breakfast?”

He was.

Mark came over breakfast and I served up Chilaquiles. We sat in the patio eating it straight from the pan. He swiped his finger across my mouth as my mouth seemed to be hankering for some leftovers, and he leaned in to kiss me.

My toes dug into the patio, my fingers held onto the chair for dear life. And then, everything melted. All my fears melted with his warm lips on mine. How he waited for me to comfortably lead by opening my mouth letting him invade and learn what I liked. He caught on quickly. He kissed with passion, much liked he talked.

I melted like butter left in a car in the heat of Phoenix summer. If you’re not from Arizona, that is code for it’s effin’ hot. Another code, the kiss was effin’ hot.

He pulled away slowly releasing my bottom lip, my eyes slowly fluttered open met with his wide grin and adorable catered dimples below his eyes, that is when he said, “I like leftovers.”

My body flushed and I leaned in, this time taking the lead.

I grew up in a house where leftovers were served every Wednesday. My mom referred to it as “pick your poison”. And every Wednesday, I did. Also on Thursday depending on the expiration date of the food.

My grandma taught me, “waste nothing.” So, I never did. I learned to reuse whatever was in my kitchen. Leftover sautéed spinach quickly turned into a delicious frittata. In a hurry, leftovers for breakfast. There is no set time for breakfast foods because they also make delicious and easy dinner foods, too.

Whatever leftover you have in your refrigerator can definitely be eaten the way it is or recreated into something different.

It’s all about inventing a new creation.

Recipe: 

2- 4 Leftover tortillas or tortillas cut into quarters for frying.

oil (only if frying)

1/4 c Red enchilada or Green enchilada sauce.

Eggs

Cheese of choice

Garnishes: shredded lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, radishes, and sour cream. 

Directions:

Heat oil on medium heat in skillet. (If using tortilla chips, skip this step.) As oil is heating up, cut tortillas into quarters. And grate cheese, if not using pre shredded.

Place tortillas in oil and fry until golden. Set aside of paper towel to drain oil. 

Safely discard oil, and heat 1/4 c enchilada sauce in pan on low. 

Adding tortillas once the sauce is slightly bubbling. Stir to incorporate sauce and tortillas. A nice glazed coating. If you need more sauce, add some in and stir. 

Top with cheese and turn off skillet cover. 

In another skillet, cook eggs to your liking. 

Plate chilaquiles and top with eggs. Serve with your choice of garnish. 

 

Much love,

Cassie


Thank you for reading, don’t forget to like, share, or comment.

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Food vs. Men – Chapter 3

January 17th 2016

“What do you think of these for the center pieces?” Alyssa held up daisy scrunching her nose disapproving of her choice.
“They don’t seem like you. Now these.” I point to the white hydrangeas. “They would look good with a little green infusion. Maybe some eucalyptus or mint leaves? An added bonus is the Lit would smell even better.”
“Gah, you’re a genius!” She claps, squealing into a mini dance, arms in the air swaying along with her backside.
A few strangers glance at her farmers market dance. “I know. That is why you made me maid of honor. The ideas are flowing.” I tap my forehead.
We had six months to plan her wedding. Alyssa’s family disapproved of their only daughter marrying Dirk, a forty-six year old small business owner of Lit, a bar in downtown Phoenix. They refused to help pay, participate and come to her wedding. Knowing it broke her heart, I stepped up trying my best to handle the role in their absence.
“I am crossing flowers off our list. I will decide the herbage to flower ratio later, but we should get a sample to show Dirk.”
I had never met a more hands on groom than Dirk. Not that I have met a lot of grooms. Dirk wasn’t the type of guy to say, “Whatever you like.” He actually cared. Dirk called me a week ago asking me to take Alyssa out to keep her busy, her nerves were off the charts meeting Falcon his son for the first time, and he needed someone to calm her down, while he went to pick him up from the airport.
Grabbing a few samples, we pay linking our arms together heading to one of the closer fruit and vegetable stands.
”We will have to pick up some eucalyptus somewhere else.” I say rummaging through the herbs for fresh mint.

“Cool. I must say I can’t believe your a year and a half into blogging. The whole men and food topic is really working out for you. I love all your disastrous dating stories.” She compliments picking up an honey crisp apple.
In a year and a half, I had gained over four thousand followers all because someone tipped off the local news station about my blog. They thought it was unique how I put my life into perspective with good food and failed relationships. Declining an interview still meant people wanted to follow me, even though they had never seen my face. Actually all my social media accounts were faceless. I put myself out there, but I really didn’t put myself out there.
“And you said I couldn’t do it. Now you’re complimenting me.” I grin at her selecting a few red potatoes with minimal blemishes for a new dish I wanted to experiment with.   
“I am. The whole thing is pretty awesome. Did you know on date night, Dirk and I cook one of your recipes?” She held up a Granny Smith apple to the light inspecting its shine and coloration.
“You didn’t.” Astounded that her date nights included my recipes was amazing.
“Yeah, a few times we didn’t even make it to the main course.” Tilting her head back she bellows a laugh.
The best part about food blogging were all the compliments people gave me. When they emailed me their stories, it always made me feel like I was at their table enjoying one of my creations with them. I had never had a comment my food and sex though. Of course, Alyssa is the first.
“I didn’t need to know that.” I cover my ears, the bags in my hands add an extra buffer.
“Yes, you do. Your food brings people toooogetttherr,” Purring the last word, she contains another round of laughter. “Which means you need to tell me the recipe your buying ingredients for so I can pick them up now.”
“Now you’re just pushing it.” I chuckle selecting a bunch of flat leaf parsley placing it in my reusable mesh produce bag.
Alyssa frowns, the lines her on forehead crease downwards. Brushing her long deep mahogany bangs away from her eyes, she stares at me. The aqua blue flashes from light to dark in seconds.

“Before the recipe goes on the blog, I will send you a copy.”
“Thank you, and would you consider-“
I stop her right here, “I am not catering your wedding. As tempting as it sounds and seeing as you’re not a raging crazy bride, my plate is full. But I have thought about making your cake.” Since her wedding was small, no more than thirty people, I decided as my wedding gift to her would be making her cake.
That was stress in itself.
Rushing around the produce shelf, she wraps her arms around my neck squeezing the life out of me.
“You are truly amazing.”
“You are truly choking me.” I spit out trying to catch my breath.
Releasing her death grip, she quickly kisses my hair, “Have you given much thought to what Dirk asked you?”
“Still debating.” I say casting my eyes sideways not wanting to look at my best friends face.
If Alyssa’s lips weren’t moving, her face said it all. The way her small button nose turned upwards wrinkling in disapproval. How her bangs lowered on her forehead covering her blue eyes, and her petite shoulders tightened with either angst or irritation.
Dirk owned a bar with an nonfunctional kitchen. He asked me if he got it up to code if I would consider making bar food. Easy and simple bar food. His idea was to completely gut the old kitchen and rebuild it brand new with any design I came up with.
Anyone would jump on the opportunity, but me, I was stalling. Thinking about running a small time kitchen meant I would be there all day and give up my current job, which I absolutely loved. Then there was the part where I didn’t want to burn myself out on food. I didn’t want to think of it as a job.
For me, cooking was a passion. I set the pace. I didn’t answer to anyone, but myself. I had more time to fiddle around than cook set meals day in and day out. I know Dirk would give me free creative reign, but I wasn’t so sure his opportunity was for me.
“Cassie-“ Alyssa establishes a foundation for her argument, “Wouldn’t it be super awesome to run a kitchen and do what you truly love? Think about all the recipes you’d create and get to try out being paid for it. Not to mention the possible opportunity to teach classes while working there like you talked about. The kitchen is huge, you could set up shop and design it with a couple of extra tables to have a cooking workshop. I really wish you would consider the idea before you shun it away.”
“I’m not shunning the idea away. More like storing it for later. I haven’t made up my mind. I really love my job. I love helping children find homes with loving people. When the system has failed them, our nonprofit assists in making a child’s life a little better.”
Swiping her bangs across her forehead, she pauses a minute, “Idea! Wouldn’t it be great to connect with your non profit job and Dirk’s kitchen at once?” She says moving closer to the checkout line.
“What do you mean?” I follow confused not fully understanding her idea.
“Where I am getting at is, you could still help these kids. Maybe teach them how to cook? I’m sure you guys have teenagers leaving the system who have to learn to fend for themselves. Think of your cooking class as a way to help them learn to budget and cook and live independently.”
I must say her idea was brilliant. Many of the teenagers aging out of the foster care system needed additional help, stability, and more importantly proper guidance.
I had met teens already knowing they would end up homeless after aging out. They didn’t have a family support system to help guide them in the right direction. They were scared and alone, and silently I kept my heartbreak to myself, because looking into their eyes, I tried not to give broken promises through the limitations my job offered. The worst part is knowing I couldn’t help everyone. Even if I took Alyssa’s idea, applied a helping hand, I couldn’t save them all. And that is the worst emotion, being helpless while being compassionate.
“Well?” She asks.
Lost in my thoughts, overwhelmed by an opportunity handed to me, “I think-“ Setting my haul on the counter, the cashier and I exchange greetings. “I think it’s a good idea.”
Alyssa’s smile widens, my eyes widen at the person approaching the booth. Suddenly, my hands felt balmy, my neck reddened and my heart quickened with speed. His brown disheveled hair brought back awful memories, worse than burning spinach on the stove.
Once, I burnt it once. Judge all you want.
Five long strides before he reached us, flashes of awful memories fluttered around clogging my mental capability.
“And do you think you can join us for dinner?”
The further he approached, sweat trickled down my body. Itchiness spread, soaring to the top of my head to the balls of my feet.
“Cassie, what on earth is wrong with you?” Alyssa gasps handing over a twenty dollar bill to the cashier.
“Chuck.”
“Chuck?” Alyssa hadn’t caught on yet.
“Chuck steak vs. Sub Par Chuck.” A panicked whispered shriek belts out of my mouth.
“Go!” Alyssa lowly shouts, shooing me away. “I will bring these to your car.” She motions frantically over the vegetables waving her hands erratically.
Swiveling, I run in the direction of my car only slowing down only to excuse myself when brushing past people. Further away from the booth, looking in front of me and behind me, the only thing I could see in the distance is Chuck’s disheveled hair. Shuddering, his swollen glazed over eyes still haunted me.
Turning my head back around, my body slams into someone before I could put on the brakes.
Ready to spew out an apology, I look up to see L.
“Hi.” I shriek startled and shocked. One year had passed since we saw each other. I hadn’t thought of him or made any attempts to make chocolate cake. In the span of one year, I dated three times, one of those guys being sub-par Chuck.
After our messy short lived relationship, Alyssa and I would meet at a local diner for breakfast. She would take one look at me and say, “Which dream was it? The one where generic Chuck and Jerry’s (Chuck’s last name is Jerry) container was chasing you or the one where a sinfully sweet chocolate cake in the shape of a mini bundt monster bit your head off?” Grumbling, I would tell her which dream I had. Both of which were equally  haunting me in real life and in lala land.
Colliding with the chocolate bundt cake heir, I feared that dream would return.
L’s thin lips curve upward smirking as his eyes line with mine. Eyes I haven’t looked at up close in a long time. They dance over my face, giving me a long examination twisting my insides into a diabolical deliberation.
“Hi.” His simple reply untwists my organs causing me to relax.
Hi. The first word we’ve spoken to each other in over six years. The greeting of long lost friends, a torturous exchange not killing the fervor I’ve kept hidden for so long.
“Listen, sorry for bumping into you, but I really have to go.” Not waiting for him to reply, I brush past him. His strong fingers wrap around my arm pulling me close into his embrace.
“Why are you in such a hurry?” He whispers in my ear, his breath hot on my neck. A shiver vibrates down my body, I couldn’t contain the damn thing from going unnoticed.
“Do I make you nervous Cassie?” He continues probing questions at me not caring what he is doing to me.
Shaking my head no, I swallow on a dry mouth.
Not letting go of my arm, his fingers seared into my skin like a good piece of grilled meat. Ribeye. Definitely a ribeye, marbled with a good amount of fat like his body. We were so close, I forgot to breathe. Old bitter emotions melted my brain into whipped cream as my heart felt fondness and affection for someone I really didn’t know.
I completely understood I never really knew him.
I liked to tell myself I did.
I knew the curve of his back as my fingers skimmed the surface when he took my virginity. I knew how he liked his eggs, sunny side up and crispy on the edges. I knew before he had to leave school for being arrested he was majoring in sociology. Yet, years had passed. People change. His body had changed and most importantly so could his taste for me.
“Why are you running?”
“Aren’t we all running from something?” I ask gaining my composure just enough to loosen his hold on me.
Isn’t that what he did? He ran off to Europe on his summer vacation, finding a wife with some European name I liked to butcher intentionally.
“But what are you running from?” He probed deeper into my personal life within seconds.
“Chuck Steak.” I say butchering my blog post name taking off into another sprint.
I didn’t look back at L or Sub Par Chuck.

I couldn’t join Alyssa for dinner to be the savior she needed. My parents had left early this morning to Reno. My dad’s brother had a heart attack and immediately my parents packed their bags calling me in the wee hours of the morning to explain their situation. Fudge, their new puppy couldn’t come and they asked me to house sit. My dad named him after my favorite book, Fudgamania by Judy Bloom, and for the fact that he was a beagle and loved digging holes in their backyard. His snout looked like it had fudge caked to it when he was done.
“Come on, Bessie.” I say turning the engine over careful not to flood it. Bessie, my ‘67 Oldsmobile Toronado sputtered to a stop a mile from my parents house. Currently, every time I turned over the ignition, she gurgled like her and a bottle of Listerine were dating.
“I love you, come on.” I plead with my car rubbing the dashboard. “Don’t die on me now. Or ever.” Sighing, my hands rub against the steering wheel. I could never give up this car. I had fond memories of my grandma picking me up from school in Bessie. I could always spot my grandmother down the street from school, the light blue aqua color shimmered in the distance. The fresh leather seats sticking to my skin and her rosehip oil still lingered in the car after all these years. After my grandmother passed, she left the car to me in her will. At thirteen I owned a car before I could even drive.
Digging through my purse to find my phone, I am met with a black screen.Crap, I forgot to charge my phone. One percent battery life didn’t mean anything to me, and one of my many faults is always allowing the phone to die.
Frustrated, I locked up Bessie, starting my walk to my parents house to call a tow truck.
A quarter of a mile in, my overnight bag slung on my shoulder and food bags in my hands, a car abruptly stops at the curb. A bright red Kia Soul’s drivers side door opens as a man in a dark black hooded sweatshirt exits the car, turning in my direction on the sidewalk.
L stalks towards me, his athletic shorts swaying at his knees. Only in Phoenix,  in the dead of winter could someone wear a sweatshirt and shorts.
“What happened to Bessie?” Boy, he was full of questions today.
“She momentarily decided to put herself into a coma. My phone died and I am walking to my parents to call a tow truck.” I say exhausted from the mornings events. Exhausted from running into my past, twice. No, three times. And exhausted from having to explain myself.
“Get in. I’ll give you a ride.”
Volleying my eyes from him to the car, back to him, I shake my head stepping back. “Oh no, I would rather walk.”
“Then I will walk with you.” Before I could protest, he cuts the engine to the car and clicks the automatic alarm, not even offering me his cell phone to make a call.
Stepping onto the curb, a warm smile spreads across his face, “Are you going to walk or stand their lost in your thoughts?”
“Why are you doing this?” My voice rises a little, but not enough to be a scream. “Why are you talking to me?”
His smirk cascades into a frown as his eyes widen as he gathers a large breath, “Because you’ve never let me explain. All you’ve done is run. Cassie-“ He pauses for his own peace of mind like him saying my name out loud is doing something to him. When really it’s doing something to me. L’s has the most gentle and gravelly voice I had ever heard, its shiver-some with insta-arousal, “I would like to sit down and talk.”
“No.” I state flatly crossing my arms, standing my ground. Him rationalizing what he did to me isn’t going to fix the gaping ache he left in my heart.
“No?”
“Don’t you get it, Landen? You gave something to Panchetta when you didn’t even offer it to me. I fully didn’t get a chance. One minute you’re here and the next you’re married to Pancetta. You didn’t make me feel worthless, you never offered me a fighting chance.”
Years had past since I had spoken his name.
Landen. Landen. Landen.
LANDEN!
Saying his name was oddly forbidden to me. I always referred to him as L, but whenever I did, my mind whispered it wobbly and unsure of itself. Landen made no promises when I wish he did. When I wished we did. Instead an ache in my soul prolonged and juvenile manifested itself into long lost love.
Landen.
Gosh, saying his name exposed my heart break cracking the very icy surface I protected.
Softly laughing, “Her name was Francesca.”
Okay, I might have butchered her name intentionally. Pancetta was more like it. She cured his belly when I couldn’t and consumed him raw.
What I wasn’t going to tell him is how I also butchered Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” thinking of him and Pancetta. Gosh, that song is break up rawness at its finest.
Closing my eyes, sharply inhaling and exhaling a calm breath, “Please just leave.”  I pressed as tears welled in my eyes almost combusting like an pathetic volcanic eruption.
Where was an Alanis Morissette song now? Maybe, she could get him to listen.
“Please leave.” I begged my heart cracking in all the wrong places where it could cause a leaky heart to never mend itself.
“Please leave.” I asked again practically begging him to move back towards his mom’s car and drive away from me.
The sadness in his eyes zeroed outwards as he saw the hurt on my face. All my color had vanished. He’d stolen it when I said his name and confessed my deepest hidden secret. A secret he probably already knew, but a clear conscious was in order.
Ignoring my pleas, he walks towards me lifting the bags out of my hands and my overnight bag off my shoulder. Side casting my eyes, I couldn’t look into his. They were my weakness. A shadow of a memory haunting me in the best way possible.
Walking in the direction of our parents houses he acted as if I didn’t just leave my heart on the concrete in front of some stranger’s.
Might as well just step on it myself for good measure.
Walking over my imaginary heart, I stomp loudly on it. Squishing it with my sneaker for extra nonexistent effect.
Sighing, fretting over his stubbornness, I towed behind him watching his legs move with ease, and his body glide with each step.
I wish I didn’t say his name. He walks as if he’s floating, I walk and weep.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, mascara streaked my cheeks. If he looked at me, he would know I was crying. I didn’t want him to see me crying, that was the last emotion I wanted him seeing me have right now.
The last time we saw each other, we didn’t talk. We studied each other from a distance. That was a year ago. A lot has changed in six years. One of the best things about that summer was I had found my soulmate. Laden was it for me. His personality connected with mine entwining us together as a whole. And then the unthinkable happened, he found Pancetta to make him whole.
I was a notch. A blimp on his radar, when he was my whole radar.
Blaming myself for not speaking up sooner, maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way they had. Realizing I loved him after he left, I waited the rest of summer to confess my heart, to bury my soul with his forever. The way I loved him, I had never felt that way with anyone else.
Landen was the unfamiliar taste that overwhelmed my pallet. My first love left a long lasting impression, sinking deep into my heart, scarring my very being. Everything in between him and I meant nothing. But I tried to love, convincing myself there was someone else out there equally unfamiliar to cure what had happened between us.
I tried so darn hard.
Wiping the last tear away, Landen carries my bags to the front porch. Searching for my house key, I couldn’t look at him. Enjoying the silence of our walk, I mourned our summer for the billionth time, enjoying watching him ahead of me for once instead of behind me.
“Thanks for carrying my bags.” The lock clicks, pushing open the door, he hands over everything not crossing over the threshold.
Transferring the bags, our fingers briefly touch.
Unwanted images flashed fresh in my mind. He would spin me around, carry me inside, the place where it all started and have his way with me. I would let him. Allow him to take control, have patience, and cure my heart like a good bowl of herbs and spices blending together to make one savory dish.
“No problem.” He mumbles pivoting on his heels leaving me standing there in his wake.
Not watching him walk away, I close the door on us once again.
Curried potatoes vs. Complicated Combinations
Staring at the cursor blinking on my laptop, I couldn’t get Landen out of my mind.
By the time the tow truck reached my car, it was already gone. I searched the house for my keys, but locating the missing key ring was like finding Where’s Waldo when your four.
Useless.
Not that I am four, but losing my keys is apart of my signature style.  
Giving up inside the house, I walked over to the Davies in search of Landen. Mrs. Davies answered the door only to inform me Landen had taken my car to an auto shop for me.
The kind sneaky butthead.
Mrs. Davies didn’t know when he would be back, but she promised to let him know I stopped by. She also hesitated to tell me something, but suddenly stopped herself wishing me a good day in return.
The rest of the afternoon, I piddled around the house playing with Fudge, taking him for a walk and endured more piddling waiting for Bessie.
Neither, Bessie or Landen turned up.
By nightfall, the recipe I wanted to try, the side dish of curried potatoes and grilled chicken managed to skip all my thoughts.
Life is exactly as the title states complicated combinations.
Insisting on writing the blog post before I actually tested out the dish left my mind mangled and torn.
Normally, I didn’t cook this way.
I always cooked first, then wrote.
Doing things ass backwards left room for error and disaster.
Looking out the large bay window in the kitchen, the dark starry night glittered through the open window as the chilly air cooled down my heated brain. It was well past eleven and I couldn’t sleep. The only other thing I could do is cook, but I couldn’t even remove myself from the chair to even do that.
Clicking off my blog post, my fingers wander over to the music app. Seconds pass before the playlist, 27 Club began playing to alleviate the day’s events, Landen and Chuck.
Unwinding my surplus of off kilter emotions, the songs lifted me from my chair.
A good recipe always begins with good ingredients.
Pinching the parsley, quickly giving the leaves a rough chop, a loud knock vibrates at the door. Fudge’s ears perk from his small bed before he bellows and barks racing to the door.
Wiping my hands, I walk to the door already knowing who is on the other side. It was a matter of time before Landen came back. Whether it would have been tonight or tomorrow, I knew he would return.
Wrapping Fudge into my arms, I open the door seeing Landen’s hands brace the frame. Sweat crawls down his face, dripping on his tank top as his chest pants rapidly.
“How am I supposed to workout knowing you’re torturing my stomach with whatever smells are wafting to my house.” He says lifting his eyes to mine.
Stepping aside, he brushes past me into the kitchen.
You see, that is the thing about curry. It’s an umbrella welcoming even the most complicated combinations.

Curried potatoes vs. Complicated Combinations

If you’ve ever had an ex sit at your table eating a meal you cooked,  you know the combination isn’t just complicated, it’s damn awkward.
“What are you doing?” Landen asks digging into his second helping, really my helping of curried potatoes and chicken.
I only made enough for two servings. One to eat tonight and one to eat tomorrow for lunch. I wanted to see how the bold curried flavors tasted after they sat overnight.
“I’m writing.”
“You write?”
“Something like that. I post my recipes online.” I manage to spit out some of the truth.
“Interesting. Can I read it?”
“No!” I shriek closing the top of my laptop.
I didn’t have it open to be rude, the music lowly playing was cathartic to the situation. The night was still fresh and I wanted my post to be as equally refreshing.
“This is so damn good.” Forking a mouthful, I watch his taunt jaw flex and grind working steadily. Landen had a sexy jaw. Strong, squared, and smooth. Giving his jaw a nice long look, I see he still liked to keep his face clean shaven.   
“Thanks. Can you tell me where my car is?” Taking a sip of water, inwardly I remind myself to relax. We’d skirted around the subject, I asked numerous times, only to be ignored.
“My friend is fixing it. You left your keys in the door when I walked away. By the time I made it to the end of the driveway, I saw an opportunity.”
“To steal my car.”
“To help get it fixed for free. So who were you running away from at the farmers market?” He asks dipping his naan onto the plate soaking up the little bit of curry sauce on my, I mean his, only to pause waiting for me to answer.
“Thanks for taking my car without asking and making me search frantically. Sub Par Chuck, he’s a guy I dated a few times.”
I finish and he takes a bite, choking on a piece of half chewed naan reaching for his water to wash down the bread and my words.
Recovering, “Sub Par Chuck?” He asked oddly  intrigued laying his fork down on the plate.
“That is what I named him. I compared him to a piece of chuck steak. You know thinly cut, can be used for ground beef due to its rich flavor and balance of meat and fat.” I shrugged, continuing, “The only reason he was named Sub Par Chuck was because of how he treated me, used. Used in the sense of getting drunk at the bar before our dates, during our dates, and leaving me waiting after our dates to knock back two or more shots. Basically the guy lived to be sloshed. But he was good looking and when he wasn’t drunk, he was a nice guy.”
“How did you know he was doing all of that?”
Lightly chuckling, I remembered something my grandmother told me, “If you’re having a home cooked meal with a gentleman and he stops eating giving you his undivided attention, Cassie you know you’re doing something right. Forget all that food is the way to a man’s heart nonsense. Your words are the truth to for their soul.”
The first time she told me this, I was seven. We were in her kitchen cooking swedish meatballs from scratch. Not quite understanding what she meant, over the next few years in my life I watched my father stop eating every time my mother talked. He gave his undivided attention to her every word letting his food get cold.
Counting the number of times Landen had stopped doing something or eating to listen to me was six times. Of course there were long periods of silence between us, which was expected.
“Once I arrived early on one of our dates. I watched him from across the bar down three shots before reaching the table. At the dinner table it was only one beer, then he would always leave to the restroom. Once I caught him taking two more shots at the bar and come back to the table chasing his shots with his one beer. After we left the restaurant he would explain he left something behind or had to use the restroom. At first, I really thought maybe he had IBS or a bladder problem, but then I figured out what he was doing.”
“But why run from him at the farmers market?” His gaze probing and intense fluctuated my pulse up a notch.
Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my nose. Memories of Chuck still fresh after six months from what had been going on, “Because when I confronted him, he was rude about it.  He accused me of being sloshed on our dates causing me to hallucinate what he was doing. When I broke it off with him, he started stalking me. He would show up at my work drunk and crying, he would come to my apartment drunk and crying. Everyday he followed me around, I couldn’t go anywhere without seeing him. It wasn’t until Dirk, my friend Alyssa’s fiancé set him straight by getting him into AA. I guess it pays to run a bar because no matter what I told him, he didn’t listen to me.  I confessed to him how proud of him I was for taking the sober plunge, but the stalking continued until out of the blue it stopped. I was afraid if he saw me at the farmer’s market he would start all over again.” Evenly taking a breath, Chuck was a sore subject.
The police didn’t listen when I told him what he was doing. I was battling a stalker and they didn’t even bat an eye. All they told me was I needed more proof. That is when Dirk stepped in. Chuck met me at Lit, Dirk offered Chuck a beer as a lure, and by the time Dirk was done with him, Chuck had drank a quarter of the beer and left.
“How long had you guys been dating?” Landen leans back into the the chair lifting his right arm to rest on the free one next to him. I saw a pattern emerging. He would ask questions, I would get comfortable, and so on and so forth. Before I knew it he would vanish. An inkling in the back of my mind told me so.
“Before the stalking?” I asked and he nodded indicating for me to go on.
“Two month. Six dates. By date four, I realized what he was doing. I thought maybe just maybe this great guy who held wonderful conversations wasn’t getting sloshed on our dates.”
Landen didn’t respond, his eyes wandered over my form. His fingers gripped the fork, but he made no motion to finish the last bite on his plate. The eerie silence had me shifting uncomfortably in my seat as I waited for one of us to talk.  
“What about you? Any bad dates? Work?” I cut the silence with two questions allowing him to pick one.
After my parents read my blog, I told my mom any updates on Landen I didn’t want to know. I wanted to stay clear of his life as much as possible. Now, here we are a little past midnight eating our fourth meal like it was Taco Bell, only better, trying to reconnect.
“No dates. No girlfriends. Work is good. I got a job with a construction company and so far I have learned a lot. How to lay flooring, drywall, run electricity, basically anything and everything an ex con can learn to keep his head straight. I assume you know about my stint in the slammer.” He brassily comments taking the last bite of food. Praying my eyes away from his strong jawline was hard. So darn hard.
Letting him finish his food, I thought about his life over the last few years not really knowing it. All of my thoughts were guesses.
“I do.” I say meeting his eyes straight on proud of my jawline escape accomplishment. His eyes were no better, their brown darkened under the low lit light of the kitchen. “If you think I’m judging your career or jail time, please think again.” I hastily threw it out there.
“Career?” He scoffs disbelieving, “Doing what I do isn’t a career, it’s a limited option. When you have been to jail, everything changes. Then you realize that people talk about second chances. Give so and so a second chance, but no one really wants to actually give someone second chance. There is no one really wanting to put their company on the line or livelihood. Life is all talk until it comes down to the reality of things. I shouldn’t complain, I don’t have it as rough as some people do.”
Contemplating his words, the anger, sorrow, their deliberation broke me a little. What he was saying was true, not only for his situation, but so many other people. I worked with kids who didn’t get second chances. Some were thrown back into the system for having one bad slip up in a foster home. Most often times I’d heard foster parents say, “If they only didn’t do that.” That meant stay out five minutes late or protect themselves from the trustless people surrounding them.
To return a child for the most absurd things, I admit one had to be a careless person. Someone who didn’t want to aid in the proper development and nourishment the child obviously needed.
Glancing at the deep scar on his left arm, I hastily look away, “You had it rough, Landen. I don’t know the extent of your situation. Really, I didn’t want to know.” I paused not fully telling him it would break me further to hear about what he had to go through. “But you’re here, and second chances might not come all that often, but one day, one will. You’ll soar and ride that chance because you deserve it. You can’t let what you did get in the way of what is going to come. If you keep looking back, you’ll never have a second chance at a new future.” The words spit out, slapping my hand a little too hard over my mouth, I rubbed my mouth with the same hand.
Landen laughed at my minor injury.
“What happened?”
“I realized I gave you advice, when I really should have taken it for myself all along.”
“What do you mean?”
“You. I compare every guy I have ever dated to you. I have damaged myself subconsciously without knowing it or wanting to know it.”
“Why do you do it? You know, compare men to food?”
“I do it sarcastically and metaphorically.”
“I can see that, but why?”
Twisting a loose strand of hair, analyzing the rich brown wood grain running horizontal on the table, my gaze fought to meet his from under the microscope he put me under.
“Why does it matter if you understand what I do or don’t do?” A wave of nausea fought to make its way to my throat, clinging in my stomach harshly acidic.
Bracing his hands on each side of his plate, he leans into the table, “Believe it or not, I care.”
Now it was my turn to scoff disbelievingly.
He cared.
Really, Landen Davies cared about my love life?
Scoffing again, I met his eyes. They burned intensely questioning my scoffing self waiting for answers.
“I do it because it makes me feel better. Sane, rational, and helps me cope.” I say throwing my hands in the air, “Other women, they have confessed it helps them cope too knowing there is someone out there willing to show them how shitty it is to find the right person date after date, incompatibility after incompatibility. I don’t give up. I conquer. I endure the awkward chatter, the first impressions. Second and third dates, and so on. And then when it fails, I cook or bake. Seeking solace in something that is like meditating or a run for someone. Cooking, failed dates, and food comparisons are all I know.” My voice cracked as I finished not fully understanding why I explained myself to him. Choking on an emotional exposed sob, my eyes grew tired.
I didn’t need his judgmental stare from across the table, which by the way was what I was receiving. Landen didn’t understand and I couldn’t make him. Just like I couldn’t understand his situation.  Brushing myself off, I stand reaching for his empty plate. His fingers loosely grip my wrist, my hair fell forward, my back arched upward in surprise, and my eyes line with his when he stoically whispers, “That isn’t all you know, Cassie.”
Really looking at him, the slight flare in his nostrils, the unease of his tongue slipping out of his mouth moistening his chapped lips, left me uneasy and pondering the squint in his eyes, and the grip of his hand on mine. The sweat stains on his shirt almost dried from the cool nights breeze matted down his hair around his ears from his fingers running through consistently since he came inside, yet he forgot about the few unruly inches on top.
“Believe me when I tell you L,” I couldn’t say his name, the compartmental box from which it came, I locked it safely away from my mouth and heart. “These days it is.”
Confessing to him made my body ache, the tension built ensuing a hard throb in my frontal lobe.
Digging into his back pocket with his free hand, his other hand doesn’t stray from mine. Sliding a card out of his pocket, he places it between us.
“Call Zeke. He is a really good guy. Think of it like he comes highly recommended.”
“You’re setting me up?” I say through teeth clenched too tightly my jaw hurt.
Suddenly my heart weighed heavily in my chest, thumping uncontrollably loud and forcefully hard.
Landen was giving me up never to try again. He wanted to talk, remain friends and suggest someone for me. Lightheaded and dizzy, the urge to sit down surfed to my legs.
“No, I am recommending someone. You’re going to set yourself up. That’s what friends do, help other friends out.”
“Now we’re friends?”
“We could have always remained friends.” He firmly states taking his hand away, the bob in his adam’s apple swallowed thick and comfortably.

Curried potatoes vs. Complicated Combinations

If you’ve ever had an ex sit at your table eating a meal you cooked,  you know the combination isn’t just complicated, it’s damn awkward.
The bubble of protection and love I created for L, something I thought was real, really could be like a lost item that I found not really having no nostalgia to said item after all this time.
But the thing is, sitting with L after he proposed we rekindle our friendship, and hearing him say he wants to me to date his friend. Yes, you heard that right, HE WANTS ME TO DATE HIS FRIEND!  I found myself stupidly agreeing to his proposition.
I know, so darn stupid.
The man didn’t offer himself on a silver platter (my bed) with a beautiful red apple shoved in his mouth. Instead, he offered me someone else. Which means he no longer has feelings for me.
All the feelings that went into the dish of curried potatoes and chicken, a dish we shared together while awkwardly asking random life questions had more feelings. All I was left with from him was a phone number, not his, and a sink full of friendship dishes waiting to be soaked.
Figuring out if his proposal was from my friendship curry or our complicated combination sat on the edge of my brain all night. I haven’t slept or done the dishes. All I did this morning was stir my coffee a gazillion times rethinking everything about last night.
Was I really thinking about calling his friend or was this out of spite to get back at him?
I hadn’t quiet figured it out.
Pushing through the awkwardness of conversation, I made a delicious easy curried potatoes and chicken.
So, more recipe, less L venting.
Curry is known for its wide variety of spices and herbs. In some dishes, different spices are added during the cooking process to create various flavors. Kind of like a layered cake.
The spices can be put together yourself or economically bought at a grocery store. Taste of Thai’s red curry paste is the bees knees. Personally, I am not a fan of yellow curry, red curry has stolen my heart the moment I tried shrimp and pineapple curry. Soooo good!
There are two different ways to make curry: wet or dry. Wet increases the amount of liquid (soup consistency) and dry (meat sauce consistency) uses only a small amount of liquid. My dish is more of a dry curry. The only thing curried in the dish is the potatoes, which compliment the spiced grilled chicken.
Of course, you can use any meat or fish when making this dish. Like I said, it’s fairly simple and on your table in thirty minutes. Serve with a side salad for an even healthier meal. Or substitute potatoes for red curried rice.
The ingredients call for 1/2 can of Taste of Thai full fat coconut milk (or any preferable brand). I always have a few cans of coconut milk in my pantry, along with canned tomatoes of various varieties.  
You might ask yourself, what am I going to do with the rest of the can, Cassie?
The possibilities are endless; dump ranch is a delicious non dairy alternative to your refrigerator. Using a ½ a cup of coconut milk you can make your own coffee creamer by adding some cinnamon and vanilla extract or vanilla bean. Chicken curried meatballs, butternut squash curried soup, or curried cauliflower rice are all great ways to use the leftover can. The creative list is endless and your full belly will thank you afterwards.
Don’t be afraid to try something divergent. By limiting your palate you’re not moving the direction for your taste buds waiting to burst with change. A little secret is your palate can change, but it might need a little encouragement.
So, what are you waiting for? Buy the ingredients, start cooking a diverse delicious meal. Just make sure you’re not sitting down with an ex, or else you’ll miss out on the flavorful curried potato combination.



Recipe:
4 chicken breasts (if thick, use two and cut in half.)
2 large red potatoes
1/2 cup of coconut milk
1 tsp of Taste of Thai’s red curry paste
salt and pepper – preference to your taste buds
1 tbsp of oil for roasting potatoes
1/2 tsp of oil for pan frying chicken. (Note: I only cook with three kinds of oil, olive oil, coconut oil, and avocado oil. I also cook with ghee. But use whatever oil you have on hand.)
Seasoning for chicken: 1/2 tsp of salt and pepper, 1/2 tsp of turmeric, 1/4 tsp of powdered ginger.
Garnish: fresh parsley.


Directions:
Preheat oven 425 degrees
Heat cast iron skillet on the stove with 1 tbsp of oil. (The trick is to heat the cast iron skillet first, then add oil to heat separately.)
Wash and dry potatoes. Using a sharp knife, cut the potatoes in half horizontally, and cut each halve again horizontally. Cut each half in 1/2 inch thick slices. Season with salt.
Add potatoes to cast iron, giving them a quick stir to coat with oil. Cook on the stove for ten minutes before transferring to the oven until evenly browned on all sides. Cooking time should be 20 minutes. If potatoes aren’t cooked in 20 minutes, add them back in for another 15 minutes.
Season chicken with spices on both sides. Heat 1/2 tsp of oil on medium high heat in a skillet. Once hot add chicken, cook for eight minutes on each side. The length of cooking time depends on the thickness of the chicken.
Once chicken is done, set aside and keep warm.
Now, back to the potatoes. Once they are fork tender and browned to a nice roast, pull them from the oven while you put together the dry sauce.
In the same skillet as the chicken, add 1 tsp of red curry paste, stirring not to burn, approximately 30 seconds. Next add 1/2 cup coconut milk, incorporating the curry paste and coconut milk into a light reddish color.
Turn off heat and stir in potatoes.
Plate curried potatoes, topping with chicken. Garnish with parsley.
Serve with a side of vegetables or salad. But don’t forget the naan!

(If you like a more saucy potato, add more coconut milk.)


Much love,
Cassie


Thank you for reading. If you want more, Chapter 4 is a click away!

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Food vs. Men – Chapter 2

January 17th, 2015

“Cassie Joy, what did I tell you about having dessert before dinner?” My mother scolded coming into the kitchen leaving the kitchen door swaying behind her.
Traditionally, I held up the fork in my hands pointing it at her. “To cut a slice for you?” I joked, which only earned me narrow eyes as her nose twitched upwards to keep from laughing.
“You’re ruining your dinner.” She said barely catching her laughter behind her irritation.
I didn’t live to tease my mother.

Really, I didn’t.
I wasn’t one of those daughters who went out of her way to give her more grief. When I was a teenager I never stayed out late, and always came home thirty minutes before curfew. Never left her worrying or wondering.
Couldn’t she let me have this one thing?
Couldn’t she not have me hiding my food habit and have my coffee cake without scolding me?
Of course not. She was my mother. Her instant internal motherly advice meter kicked in to let me know her opinions and disapproval.
On the meter cake before dinner entered the red zone.
I told myself before coming to dinner, I wouldn’t eat dessert — but then something happened — something so unlike my dad that I had to escape the living room for the coffee cake I made for dessert.
My dad, the man who grunts when meeting a man in my life is out in the living room having actual conversation with my boyfriend. The scene is like one of those never before seen clips on a television show. But not only that, Austin and my dad were watching Sleepless in Seattle. My father, a sucker for romantic comedies and M*A*S*H reruns was watching a movie with my boyfriend. One of his favorite movies.
I was shocked as all heck.
So, of course my rule was broken. The hierarchy of cake  lead me to the island in the kitchen.
After my first blog post, which by the way my parents read, they understood why I never came home from college. They would come visit me, but coming home always meant valid excuses. Papers, midterms, finals. Holidays were especially hard, but luckily they went on cruises and visited family.
A lengthy explanation, three slices of cake later, they came to grips with L and I, my leave of absence from my childhood home, and my blog.

“Cassie, Austin seems like a really good guy.” My mother shuffled around the kitchen ignoring eye contact with me.
“He is.” I talk over the bite of cake in my mouth. Everything about him is great, except for two things. He doesn’t approve of my dessert before dinner rule, and he leaves his dirty socks on the open cabinet door in the bathroom. It’s such an odd habit that I have crashed into twice since staying at his apartment. There is nothing worse than running into an open cabinet in the middle of the night to use the restroom, only find said open cabinet airing out two pairs of dirty socks.
“I know you haven’t been dating long.” She states opening the oven to bast the spatchcock chicken. “And this is the first time we are meeting him.” She talks into the oven and I roll my eyes at her little comment. Ever since L, I haven’t brought home guy home. Not from college or after.
“But you guys have perfect chemistry.” Closing the oven, she turns to me placing each of her warm hands on each side of my face. Her eyes soften, melting my heart from being away from home for so long.
Forbidding myself to come back. All the memories of one Summer screwed with my mental perception.
“I want you to be happy. You look happy Cassie. That’s all that matters to me.” Her brown eyes mist with fresh tears.
“I am happy mom.” I said with such conviction, I almost believed it myself. I was happy with my job, creating my own stability and my blog.
Breaking the lying tension building inside me, “Want some cake?” My eyes motion to the cake pan on the counter.
Hesitating for a second, “Sure.” Her warm smile widens.
Cutting her a slice, I smile handing over a plate. We chatted aimlessly about everything except my first blog post five months ago. To say my parents were hurt that I didn’t confide in them about L was an understate. The summer of L, I convinced them we were just friends, which was the truth before he kissed me.  Before that summer, I told them everything, not hiding a single thing. I learned they eventually were going to find out and sometimes a girl needed her parents perspective.

The kitchen door swung open, my father entered with Austin in tow. My father grinned at the sight of my mother and I eating cake while standing at the counter. Austin gazed over my dad’s shoulder, his ash blonde hair askew on his head. Pushing the rims of his black-framed specs higher on his nose he inspected the scene, disapprovingly.
I wish he wouldn’t do that. I disapproved of his socks laid out on the bathroom cabinet, but I didn’t give him incredulous disapproving eyeballs.
That’s right, eyeballs. Austin’s eyes were the gateway of his emotions, speaking volumes when his brain shut down communication.
Eyeballs, never letting me down since… well for months.
His green eyes, considerate and attractive never shut off. They were my tell to whatever his brain was thinking. Squinting when he approved, normally someone’s opposite when they were upset or agitated. Bursting wide as a large marble when he laughed instead of when he was in shock. I kind of liked to think his brain did eye tells ass backwards.
“Oh come on you two, come have some cake before dinner. Today, Rick our daughter is home. We’re celebrating her way.” Patting my shoulder, Austin and my dad cane further into the kitchen as my mom cut them each a slice, passing it around.
Austin doesn’t protest taking his slice standing by my side. His shoulder brushes mine, and I felt nothing.
Not a tingle.
Not a sensation.
A prickle.
No swarm of butterflies.  
Nothing!
Austin is a great guy. I mean, great. He is charming, funny, and knows more about computers than anyone I knew. That is how we met. My computer decided one day to terminate our technological relationship by dying. After mourning the loss of my favorite inanimate object, I ran to the Tech Hut where Austin sold me my computer. By the end of the transaction, not only had he made commission, but he got my phone number.
Four months and counting, conjuring the butterflies that fled my stomach was futile. The tingles are no longer there. Emptiness sat in the pit of my stomach acidic and wretched.
What is wrong with me?
Austin’s tall and lanky, arms thin sticks only exercising when he worked a keyboard. But underneath his collared grey shirt was a Superman in hiding. His muscles budded from his abdomen like a flower barely blooming, and his kind green eyes always had an extra amount of happiness even when he wasn’t smiling. A jawline oddly shaped oval and elongated, wasn’t chiseled to perfection. But I didn’t really fall for his looks. I fell for his personality.
Quick witted and charming.
Smart and genuinely nice.  
How we got along so easily and conversation flowed effortlessly. We were more like friends than a couple. We didn’t go out, which I didn’t mind. We stayed in, but it was how we stayed in that bothered me. We were like a married couple. He’d read and I’d write in my notebook. We didn’t touch until we hit the bed. There was no magic unless the sheets were involved. Our whole intimate relationship was sad.
When I made an effort to bring food into the bed, Austin fidgeted complaining the bed would get messy. When I tried to get him to have sex on my kitchen table, he gently turned me down offering me the bedroom as a first, but always second choice.
“Rick, why don’t you help me set the table?” My mom asked my dad although she was looking at me knowing my thoughts by looking at my face.
The guilt inside riddled higher. Sometimes, I didn’t know why I made decisions, like bringing a guy home when I didn’t have feelings for him anymore. Apart of me wanted my parents to see I wasn’t lonely. That their only daughter could have a great relationship with a great guy.
All smoke and mirrors if you ask me.
“Sure.” Chuckling, my dad follows her out of the kitchen giving us a stern look before leaving. Putting the last basting on the chicken, my mom scatters away.
“You look beautiful, Cassie.” Austin whispers afraid my parents might hear.
Warmly, I smiled up at him.
Everyday, three times a day, Austin told me I was beautiful. He was over complimentary in threes. Cooked meals always got three compliments. Something I shared with him about my day got three compliments. After sex, three compliments. Everything in threes. Another flaw in his belt. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed compliments, but I didn’t like them handed out like continuous freebies.
Bending down he kisses the top of my head,  I wrap my arms around his torso wanting to feel something besides his comfort and warmth.
“Thank you, Austin.” The words sounded convincing, but they were a hurtful lie. Inside I didn’t match his words. I felt ugly and treacherous to the man standing in front of me. My heart scattering away as if it were dust in a wind gust so strong it vanished within seconds.
“I have been thinking and I know this is a way off, but Valentine’s week I am heading to Vegas for a technology convention. I was wondering if you wanted to go. On actual Valentine’s day, we could do something romantic in the city of sin, and on the other days you can pamper yourself, massages, poolside escapades, mani pedi, and maybe win a little money.”
His offer would have meant more to me than anything if I wasn’t feeling so darn treacherous.I hated feeling this way. I never cared much for Valentine’s day, besides the chocolate clearance days after. Actually having a guy to celebrate the day with who likes me messed with my gut.
“I have to ask for time off, but I can’t make promises since I am only a few months in.” A few months back, I started working for a non-profit as a low level social worker for underage kids. Our goal was to provide these kids with stability when their life didn’t give them the option. The pay was decent, but gradually helping these kids meant giving back in ways money couldn’t compare with.
Running his long fingers down my back, he continues to whisper,  “If you can’t get time off that is okay, but if you can that would be amazing. We will just spend the week after as Valentine’s day late bloomers.” He adds kissing my forehead. “Tonight, my place or yours?” His long fingers reach under my chin lifting it to his face.
“Mine.” Really, it didn’t matter. His worn socks would still be on my bathroom cabinet door. Bending down his lips meet mine in a slow tender kiss. The empty feeling lingered inside me as I kissed him back eager and attentive, giving more when all I really wanted was to give less.
Dinner went smoothly as expected. Austin insisted on helping with the dishes. He and my mom were suds deep into conversation about Austin looking at her computer to fix something or rather. I really wasn’t paying attention, my mind was scattered with clouded thoughts of how I was going to end it with Austin.
All I wanted to do was avoid the conversation, “I’m sorry, I’m breaking up with you.” Emailing him was worse than saying it to his face.
Volunteering to take out the trash, Arizona’s mildly balmy weather chilled down from the day’s unexpected low grade January heat wave. Discarding the trash bag in the bin already curbside, my eyes follow the dark sky moderately filled with even darker clouds. The moon hung innocently low and bright yellow catching my eye just as a cloud in the shape of a dementor slowly crept across pulling the beauty away from eyes view.
A loud thud nearby jerked my head in the direction of the loud noise. Suffocating me, my lungs lost the concept of breathing. Widening my hazel eyes, L stood next door studying me.
I would like to think I didn’t look the same as I did when we were friends all those years ago, but I had changed. Not just with maturity, but my features were more curvaceous and feminine. Gaining the freshman fifteen was the best thing since the last fifteen minutes of Lost. While some people hated the ending, personally I loved it.
Ending college fifteen pounds heavier made my hips have an hourglass figure foregoing my boyish figure from before. Although my hair, the same color, a deep amber honey, sat above my shoulders comfortably, I learned to style tresses and straighten rather than sporting a ponytail.
Yet, seeing him standing a couple feet away watching him in the darkness, L was the dementor sucking the very life out of my body just like he did that summer.
Being on the inside made him more rugged. His shoulders broader, tight annexed torso with  muscles stretching his tank top, and a long jagged scar extended from the top of his shoulder stopping at the crease in his elbow. His hair four inches longer scattered in all directions like he anxiously or tirelessly pulled his fingers through it.
He moved towards me only to stop himself, lightly his brow furrowed abruptly irradiated.
Planting the balls of my feet deeper in my shoes, a twinge of regret burst throughout my body. I didn’t rush to him knowing fully well he wasn’t capable of crossing the imaginary line between our houses. And I wasn’t about to have a welcome home conversation with him.
My mother called to tell me during my junior year in college, L had come home for a weekend to visit his friend and was arrested for grand theft auto. From what she told me, he was cruising around in a fancy sports car the owner reported stolen only days prior. An officer passing by ran the plates pulling them over, L was arrested while his friend by miracle fled the scene. Sadly, it didn’t matter if he had no priors, the car was stolen from a wealthy man who sought punishment. L spent three years in jail and had one year of house arrest for driving a car he didn’t know was stolen. His wife divorced him his first year inside, and all L has left are his parents and an unwanted background that would chase him for life.
As much as I wanted to talk to him, my lungs still hadn’t recuperated as my heart wildly hammered against my rib cage waiting for the signal to break free and slap him in the face.
Opening his mouth, he chomps it closed welcoming our silence once again. I welcomed the silence. I didn’t even know what to say to him. Apologize for the shitty years? Hug him?
I wanted so badly to hug him. Comfort him. Wrap my arms around his warmth, engulfing me as I search for his familiar scent, and equally familiar touch. My heart hurt, my hands balled into fists. Could the small words make everything easier between us and vanish the insecurities that had been plaguing me since summer?
“Babe, you coming back inside.” Austin called from the front door.
I was in a pickle. The majority of my mind said no, I wasn’t done looking at L. A small part said yes, I was returning inside to Austin.
He was safe. Secure. Consistent. And I was on the verge of breaking up with him.
Turning towards the front door Austin waited for my reply. By the time I turned back to L, he vanished. All I heard were his slippers scraping against the cement like a chain heavily weighing him down. Weighing me down.


Pickled vs. Stuck in a pickle


One of the best things about pickling food is the fermentation process giving you a healthy gut. All that good bacteria can boost your probiotic content by adding anything pickled to your meal. A rule of thumb, fermenting and pickling are best when done homemade.  
Now that I got that rule out, to say I love pickling is an understatement, but being stuck in the unwanted pickle of life isn’t as good. You see, being stuck in life’s unwanted pickles leaves me feeling drained and boost-less. While eating fermented food gives my body the extra boost it needs, it is also important to not indulge on too many sweets to knock your good bacteria.  Note, I like to call this the bounce effect.
When you’re stuck in a pickle your body gets filled with so much negative bacteria it can affect our health. Emotionally and psychically. For the past two weeks, I have been stuck. My body is lagging, my emotions running wild, and I am psychically drained.
Austin broke up with me.
I knew it was coming. I saw it coming. I welcomed it. But it still hurts and I hurt him. Somewhere out there is a woman waiting for Austin. Someone who isn’t stuck in the pickle of love for another man. A man who doesn’t even know I love him. Or that I miss him, or his damn delicious chocolate cake.
In short, I saw L. We didn’t share a word. Our looks spoke volumes, and my heart is still repairing itself both from Austin and L. That is the worst type of pickle to be in. Cakeless, loveless, and man-friendless.
So, in order to restore good gut balance, and wean myself off of sweets from mourning my breakup and Candida overload, I have spent last next two days canning. Radishes, jalapeños, cabbage, peaches, and peppers. And new pickles! Their crunch and mild bitterness tastes way better than puke green lifeless pickles.
All of these are marginally healthier than all the Valentine’s Day candy on the shelves I won’t be getting this year. (Insert my own pity party) Instead, I am filling my pantry shelves with pickled goods creating an acid/salt combo with soluble vitamins like A, D, E, and K.
Canning doesn’t have to be a long process, nowadays you can give something a quick can. For instance, radishes are one of my favorites. My two favorites to add them to are shrimp  and asada tacos. You can even add them on top of enchiladas enhancing the sauce with an extra pickled pop!
You probably have everything you need in your kitchen to assist you with an added flavorful boost to any meal. Quick canning saves time and helps enhance the flavor of your meal by ten. Not to forget, added good bacteria. That is the most important thing our body needs, good bacteria to help us function like a well oiled car. But not too much or it can overload your body.
Basically, if you eat like crap, you feel like crap. If you fall in love half hearted, you get dumped intentionally.

Recipe: (This is for half of a bunch of radishes. If you use the whole bunch, the liquid ratio should be 1/2 c each of vinegar and water)
One bunch of radishes
A small mason jar – washed and sanitized
1/4 cup of white vinegar, apple cider, or rice wine vinegar
1/4 cup of water
1 tsp dried chili flakes (or preferred taste)
Additions: peppercorns, mustard seeds, salt, pepper, or coriander seeds. Also, if you want added spice you can add a few rounds of chopped jalapeños.


Directions:


Slice radishes into either sticks or rounds and desired thickness. Placing radishes in a mason jar, add spices of choice. I normally add a small pinch of kosher salt and chili flakes. Top it off vinegar and water. Close lid and give a little shake. Store in refrigerator for four hours before using.
Can keep up to one week.
pickled
Suggestions: These radishes are delicious on anything, salads, burgers, tacos, as a side dish on your plate. Once I make them, they go quickly, so one week for me is null and void. But I don’t cut a full bunch. Half of the bunch gets pickled and the other half gets roasted. For a dollar, that is a two in one combo.


pickled


Much love from Food vs. Men,
Cassie


Continue to Chapter 3 for more of Cassie and Landen!

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Food vs. Men – Chapter 1

food vs. men

***Writer’s note: Dear reader, this story is unedited and a work in progress. No reproduction without permission. All characters, settings, and anything else pertaining to this story are purely fiction ***


August 20th 2014


Placing my hand over the enter key, I close my eyes mediating a deep inhale, slowly releasing an exhale. Jumping, my nerves were like three dozen marbles scattering and clanking across a tiled floor.
I am about to do this.
Nothing could stop me. Once I hit enter, my name would be out there. My thoughts. Ambitions. Hopes and dreams. Recipes. Personal thoughts.
At this point I didn’t care if I was successful. Success wasn’t something I was seeking. I was seeking absolution from two things that were most on my mind, food and men. My blog, Food vs. Men was something I had been wanting to start for the past year.
In my life, both were failed attempts. Food helps sustain us. We eat our emotions and celebrate life with food. Sure, one could go twenty-one days without food, but in today’s society, we thrived on food. Good delicious food. Quick healthy meals. Different from the mundane we serve everyday. Wholesome comfort food that warms our bellies and mends our hearts.
The men part in the title, that just shows how much comfort and lack of being sustained I have been in that department. For the life of me, I can keep food longer in the freezer than I can keep a man.
Racking my brain, my blog will be a two-in-one combo. Food and men. One, I am good at and the second, it’s a really disastrous recipe.
It’s now or never.
Pressing gently down on the enter key, I watch the message pop up on my laptop.
Congratulations! Your blog is now active.
I did it.
“I did it!” I shout, not normally being the one who stomps the balls of her feet and fist bumps the air. Dabbing the message on my laptop screen, I had a feeling we are going to be best friends.
Take that Alyssa. My real best friend said I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it.

Her words were, “You’re kind of timid. Sure, you can cook, like really cook, but actually getting yourself out there talking about men and food. I don’t see you airing your personal laundry.”
Rolling my eyes, Alyssa is a grade A honest bitch. But I love her. Tactlessness and all.
My fingers itch to type on the keyboard. My first post. I knew what I wanted to type out. I wasn’t winging my first blog post.
No way.
Beside my silver and black laptop, resting on the table was a notebook. A boring composition notebook filled with my thoughts, added like an aromatic to a recipe, and more over thoughts piling high as if they were side dishes.
The edges were worn and wilted like a rose at the end of its life. All of my recipes from college were in here. The ones I came up in my classes studying to be a social worker. Instead of listening to lectures, I fantasized I was in a kitchen making food. Don’t ask me why I didn’t want to go to culinary school. I didn’t see myself following that dream. Instead, I safely went to college, earned a Bachelor’s in social work and a minor in communications.
Alyssa might have described me as timid, but I wasn’t afraid of public speaking. Rather, I was good at speaking in front of people.
I did have a trick. Normally, I would fantasize being in front of a camera sharing a recipe. I would speak like I was dissecting one of my creations, and everything went smoothly. Not a nervous bone in my body.
Opening to the last few pages of my notebook, scanning the written text and side notes, my fingers magically worked the keyboard as I post for the first time.


Chocolate cake vs. Men, Love, and Europe


Sometimes in life we often find ourselves comparing and contracting to help guide us to the right decision. That is what my blog is about. Food vs. Men is something that I often find myself comparing and contrasting. One that always stays and the other that always… goes.
The title of this particular post is the reason why I haven’t eaten chocolate cake in five years. Of course, I don’t deprive myself of chocolate. A woman has to sustain herself during a raging PMS week every month.
I am referring to how I never eat chocolate cake at all. No cake pops, no double chocolate ganache cakes, German chocolate cake, molten lava cake, and especially no chocolate bundt cakes. All out the door.
There is one chocolate cake that is stuck in my mind like a piece of gum on my shoe. I equate that cake with a man I was in love with. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with the neighbor next door. He came out of the blue the Summer of the biggest change in my life, college.
The memory of him isn’t vivid, but I wish it was. My parents were hosting their annual summer bash, food and friends, and the new neighbors had just moved in two days prior.
Vaguely, I remember my mom saying something about the neighbors having a son my age, but I was too busy thinking of a recipe or watching a cooking show to give her words truly any thought.
While everyone was at the food table loading their paper plates, I stood at the dessert table eyeing the goodies. Homemade candy corn (Mrs. Snitch loves to make it for any gathering.) classic cupcakes with sprinkles, sweet almond cake, sweet potato, cherry, and apple pie, when my eye caught a chocolate bundt cake at the end of the table.
Now, growing up, I had never had a bundt cake. My mom never made them. Nor did anyone in my family. Their circular shape, grooved and glazed with a topping dribbling down the sides made my mouth water. I knew I had to try it.
You see, I love to eat dessert first before a meal. I had been doing it ever since I was fifteen. It drove my mom crazy to the point where she banned me from making any dessert. Cravings idling, I waited for events like this to feed my odd food habit. Candy bars in my room didn’t cut it.
Suspiciously, I eyed the cake, slowly making my way to the end of the table. My mom would give me the evil eye and I would smile taking a bite of whatever sweet was on my plate trying to ignore her glare.
Picking up the knife, my hand sliced through the cake. Cutting a small portion, placing it onto the plate, I grab a fork.
“Cake before hamburgers is a real dishonor.” A deep husky voice says from behind me.
Spinning around, fork mid air to mouth, the piece of cake lost its balance and the grass got the first taste.
RATS!
“Cake before hamburgers is a perfect balance of sweet and salty.” I replied as I am met with chocolate almond colored eyes. Lost in their shape, oblong and sweet as they glimmered a little in the sun.
“If you say so.” His broad shoulders lifted high, almost to his ears, I noticed one was pierced. A small diamond in the center of his lobe, a sliver of silver wrapped around to the back.
Ignoring his words, I do what any woman would do in my position, I inspected him. His head cleanly shaved bald, smooth and glistening, and a tattoo of a black dragon wrapped around the side of his neck, it’s head tilted and mouth opening as if it were trying to swallow his the diamond on his ear. His skin smooth and fair welcoming the sun beaming high in the midsummer’s day sky.
Just a couple of inches taller than my five-seven frame, I felt lucky not to strain my neck to admire him in all his glory. He was glorious. His lips were symmetrical, thick and slightly parted waiting for me to respond, and  his cheeks heated a light pink from the blistering Arizona heat.
When I didn’t say anything because my eyes kept volleying all over his form, he spoke to quickly, “How about we make a trade? You eat my hamburger and I eat your cake.” I received a wink, his eye lid cast downwards swallowing his almond shaped eye.
“I don’t like mustard.” I say running another inspection of his piled high bun with a small stain of mustard dripping down one of the sides.
“The way I make it you’ll love it. Just one bite.” He hands over his burger, and reluctantly I trade plates. “The key is to mix mayo and mustard. Not too much mustard for it to be bitter, but enough to compliment the mayo.”
I watch him take of a bite of my cake. Small bits of crumbs wrinkle his mouth. His strong jaw works, muscles tightening and constricting with each chew.
Motioning with his head and eyes for me to take a bite of his hamburger, I follow suit. The mustard wasn’t so bad as the flavors combined in my mouth. Actually, it was pretty good. But I wasn’t going to tell him that.
“My mom makes the best cake.” He grins showing me the game he is playing.
“What? Give. Me.” I say working between swallows, “back my cake.” Lunging forward for the plate his arm stretched behind his back, I face planted into his chest almost knocking his burger off the plate in my hands. Barely, saving it my fingers hold the burger in place.
“You see my mom she makes this cake maybe twice a year. She adds two ingredients that make it the best.” He laughs treading the line of honesty and teasing.
“So, you come and trade me just so you can have it?”
“She said I wasn’t allowed to have any and we had to save it for the neighbors. But I saw this pretty girl eyeing the desserts and it was only a matter of time before she would try my mom’s cake.”
The new neighbor’s son. I really should have paid more attention to my mom.
“You used me.” Up righting myself, I stand tall ready to fight to get my cake back. I was that curious. Only twice a year his mom made this cake and coerced me into trading, so the cake must be that good.
“It worked.”
“Can I have my cake back?”

“How about we split it?” He suggested bringing the cake back into view. “Half of my burger and half of the cake, it’s a win win.”
Agreeing, we shared. L’s mom’s chocolate cake was the best cake I had ever tasted. Devilishly good with magic ingredients decadently melting in my mouth. For the first time, I couldn’t name flavors to someone else’s recipe. The feeling left me astounded and shocked.
For a month that summer we shared everything with each other. All meals at his house or mine. Our thoughts and dreams. L was the first guy I actually wanted to get to know.
Every morning, we’d meet outside in our pajamas. L would bring coffee and I would bring breakfast. For me, summer used to be about waking up late and lazing around, but L was my reason to get out of bed and cook before 11 a.m.
It was easy, our friendship. We were comfortable. Honest. Freeing our minds and hearts.
I knew the deadline was approaching for him to backpack through Europe. I knew the clock was ticking. With each tick, I fell in love with him. And falling for him meant heartbreak, because when he came back the week before we left for college, we weren’t going to see each other. I never saw us working out. We couldn’t do a long distance relationship. Only seeing each other on the weekends or holidays. I was staying close to home and he was traveling across country for school.
Three days before he left, he kissed me. Two days before he left, I snuck him into my room when my parents were out on their weekly date night. L stole my virginity. Afterwards, we clung to one another.
There weren’t any promises of being together. Waiting for one another. Just us in that moment. Arms entangled and hearts fluttering in our chests from what we just did.
The day he left without a goodbye, all that was left was a bundt cake on my front porch with a note.
My mom taught me to make this just for you. There will always be summer, chocolate cake and you, Cassie. Always L.

The week he left, I ate that cake in the span of five days, then I spent the rest of the summer trying to recreate his mom’s recipe. Dissecting the cake, always missing an ingredient. The kitchen was covered in flour and my bank account depleted buying excess ingredients.
I could have asked his mom for the recipe, but L confessed the cake was a family recipe. Top secret. All I could do was try to match it. I never could. My heart was broken, but I had to remind myself we never promised each other anything.
The week before I left for college, L came back to town. Our parents agreed to have a celebration dinner for his return. Everyone was standing in L’s house when the door opened upon his arrival. Only it wasn’t just L, whose hair had grown a few inches and he sported a silly mustache. A woman, beautiful and eye catching stood behind him. Their fingers linked on the wide smile spread across each other’s faces.
After hugs and introductions,  L announced he got married while away. The plate of chocolate cake in my hands clanked to the ground breaking the silence of the full room. Weakly smiling, our eyes caught each other from across the living room.
His eyes were a startled apology and mine brimming with tears.


You’re probably wondering why I am telling you this story. Every year I try to make that cake and every year I fail. In all my years of cooking, I have failed at recreating L’s mom’s chocolate cake recipe, but I keep coming back to it.
I make the same cake, but never try it. I know I haven’t gotten the recipe right because of the way it smells. Writing that sounds weird, but one of the ingredients gives the cake a distinct smell I can never figure out.
I have tried adding cinnamon, knowing fully well there wasn’t cinnamon in the cake. Once I even added turmeric. My best friend Alyssa, and trusty taste tester said it was oddly good.
I wanted to make my first post about how I have failed when baking. I wanted to personally tell you how some recipes, no matter how good they look, how much you follow the directions (or lack there of) will have a piece of your own uniqueness.
Some recipes no matter how often you make them will always taste and turn out differently than mine. The recipes I post are a guideline. They fit my own taste buds. Sometimes I like more garlic and you might like less. You will never see a recipe of mine with cilantro —the vile and soapy tasting herb will never greet my kitchen — but it could be added to my recipe if you like it.
I firmly believe that cooking is creating something of mine that you’ll enjoy for yourself. Because no matter how much you fall in love with a recipe (or a man), somewhere down the line it always turns out differently than expected.

Much love from Food vs. Men.
-Cassie


A couple of clicks and my first blog post is up. A sense of relief washes over me that my first post is about failed attempts, rather than something perfectly pictured.
Standing, I stretch my arms and legs as Liver Spot,  my ivory and brown spotted cat purs weaving through my legs like they are his own personal gym.
Picking up the pen, I write down a recipe for tomorrow’s blog post. A side dish, something with curry flavoring and potatoes.
All these years later, I failed not to think of L. Ever since that summer I haven’t been back home living in fear I would run into him. The day after his announcement, he came to my door to apologize.
I accepted it, not fully understanding what his apology meant. Was he apologizing for summer, our small forming relationship, or that he ripped my heart away from loving chocolate cake?

 

 


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